Pearls of Wisdom -THE BOOK!
Advice from Pearl de Wisdom – a Dead Squirrel Who Knows Everything
Enter the mystical and magical world of the internet sensation ME Pearl, the psychic squirrel deity who created the universe and longs to open it up for you!
Pearl de Wisdom loves you, in her fashion.
And you love Pearl. SURPRISE!
You are to be congratulated on finding this site. This is where Pearl de Wisdom explains it all for you. When All Else Fails, ASK PEARL. Write in with your own concerns or simply read Pearl’s advice to others. It all comes to the same As The Tail Ends.
Love offerings welcome.
You will know when the time is right. Meanwhile, tell Pearl what is on your heart. Talk to ME. Pearl of Compassion who understands all things and will respond. ASK PEARL now!
Pearl de Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice. Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Due to overwhelming popular demand, by readers who don’t have a clue what is going on here, I am including a brief temporal autobiography of ME, Pearl de Sagesse de Sabaduria.
I AM A DEAD SQUIRREL WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING and pines to share it with YOU. I lived for 10 years as a non-releasable in So. Cal, and gnawed my way through most of a Merriam-Webster’s English dictionary and around the edges of a LaRousse Spanish/French. Plus, I absorbed vast amounts of information through my 7 senses, tuned beyond anything you can yet imagine. And the rest I make up.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern psychic squirrel.
Croaking only increased my power and lovability factor.
You can ASK PEARL anything
Confide in ME, Gentle Reader; unburden your soul.
Pearl wants to hear from you, NOW.
BTW~
The big pink human who was my earthly caregiver and is now my channeler is, to put it kindly, a bit of an albatross.
I listen to Seth and Abraham complaining but HA!
their challenge is nothing compared to ….well,
don’t get ME started.
Just write to ME.
Every category gives you the opportunity.
Pick your favorite, or visit them all, and let’s get to know each other.
Ask Pearl de Wisdom
Let me squirrelsplain this to you…
THIS is where you have the opportunity to find the *truth from ME, Pearl de Wisdom!
* or a facsimile thereof (because, Mesdames et Messieurs, YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. ha hahaha hee hee ..hic hic hic, Pearl de Wisdom is sooo funny!)
Pearl de Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice.
Please note that your personal privacy is of no interest to Pearl.
Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Dear Pearl,
It’s about time that I discovered some profound wisdom. What’s your take on the benefits of massage therapy for the body and mind? Do you have any personal experience with this phenomenon?
Shama
Thank you for that fine question, Shama. Please check out ME Pearl Productions, ‘Proper Opossum Massage’ and apply the same principles to a squirrel. Slight adaptations may be necessary and it would be wise to keep a large supply of gauze and surgical tape near by.
Good Luck and just have fun!
P
Dear pearl,
I am thinking about throwing a surprise birthday party for my son he is 45 what theme should the party be??
“Where’s the Birthday Boy?” This works rather like a treasure hunt. Each guest has a map and list of your son’s favorite haunts.
The first one to get him back to the party or to officially start a new party wins.
Pearl de Presagio
Dear Pearl, me possum be very angry she has been goin’ around and stealin’ all o’ me crews gold she has most recently but off me first mates port thumb. whils she be a great asset t’ t’ black pearl in helpin’ assist in mutiny’s she be a great hindrance. please help.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Think plank, Jack.
Dear Pearl,
my idol is the amazing actress Helena Bonham Carter♥♥!!! I just want to know do you like her?? and also will i ever meet her?!?!?!? 🙂 Xox
Oh yeah, HB and ME go way back, like this we are, thick as thieves, peas in a pod. Once she reads your post she’ll prolly contact you directly.
But- if not-
Think like she’ll be thinking “What’s in it for me?”
Pearlie suggests you sit down with a cuppa nut soup and make a long list of all the reasons that Ms. Carter would want to meet you. Think, Jazz, think. Come up with at least 20. Then select the best two and include them in an enthusiastically tactful fan letter along with a couple a quid and wait for an invitation.
If all else fails, use my name. That’s pretty much your ticket to anyone or anywhere worth anything.
Bon Chance, lil’ flower
Whether I am conscious of it or not, are all my thoughts and actions expressions of worship for you?
Dear Wolfgang,
The Pearl is so gratified by your solid grasp of reality. Yes, dear one, yes.
Can you dance?
There is Only the Dance and I Am SHE, Lady of the Dance.
Thank you for asking.
Pearl aka Terpsichore
Is it bad karma or good karma to have an opossum choose your driveway as his final resting place?? Please note: I did not cause his/her demise….
This is more about the opossum’s karma than yours. Final resting places can be deceptive. Always give the animal several hours to recover and a safe escape route.
Thanks for caring.
Pearl
Oh, great and powerful MEPearl, what would happen if you put an acorn in a Shrinky Dinks oven?
The world as we know it would be unaffected.
Will the pretty dark-haired women in your videos be my new mother?
Well, in actual fact, No. She might want to but she belongs to ME and there is not enough to go around. There is not even enough for ME.
What’s the matter with your old mother? Go ahead, you can tell ME. I’ve heard it all.
Be not disappointed, Chakra. I’ve just spared you untalliable self recriminations.
In the mean time, just what kind of mothering are you looking for? Maybe we can figure something out.
Pearl, the Procurer of just about anything you want.
You have a vast vocabulary like my sweet paternal aunt. Did you attain it over time, or did you just read 1100 Words you need to Know? Or possibly both?
Pearl de Wisdom has a vast vocabulary in a multitude of languages. Of course squirrelosh is spoken all over the world. It is the universal rodential language. But, as you so astutely ascertained, I have superseded even that and speak humaneese in it’s infinite varieties.
Bully for your sweet paternal aunt.
Pearl de toujours le mot juste.
Will you be my mother?
Hello Chakra,
Please check out the video ME Pearl Explained. Then, if you still want ME to be your mother, we’ll talk. It’s best if you’re a baby squirrel. Failing that, I can always give you motherly advice regardless of how you present.
We’ll be waiting to hear.
Heaps of Good Will,
Pearl
Dear pearl,
I stumbled unto this obscure phenomenon on the web that is YOU, PEARL.
Yes, you see, it was a boring evening here in Mexico and I went online to pass the time when I came across “Proper Opossum Product Placement”. And as I laughed, I realized that you too were laughing with me. I know you have to stick to character, but I implore you to share a little reality with me, as I loved the videos and the hilarity of this site is killing me. You might imagine that so much of the absurd at once has been difficult to process. Oh, and btw, you’re quite a foxy, albeit strange lady!
Much love,
Piglet Hoof
I’m stranger than you think, Piglet Hoof. ME Pearl am a dead squirrel. Please see ‘ME Pearl Explained’.
The lady is Georgette Spelvin, the only human I’ve found (so far!) enough on my wave length to channel ME.Always on the look out for someone brighter and more sophisticated. I’m holding auditions if you know anyone….BTW, there’s a $200 non refundable processing fee for each audition. Too much?
$150?…$99.99?…$9.99?
I think $9.99 sounds about right, Oh Mighty Pearl! :p
Dear Pearl,
My sister and her friends are going to invent a school called Awesome Studies Island University. Everything taught there will be awesome. I think an opossum would be a perfect mascot for this university, and we would like you to be involved as well. Perhaps you could be the Dean of Afterlife Awesomeness? What do you think?
P.S. My car is named Pearly Sue.
Hey Melvina!
Why not name the school after ME? Awesome PEARL University. Yes yes, that would be good. Do that, then we’ll talk.
Pearl of an innumerable number of honorary degrees
Possum Haiku:
Oh Possum you rock greatly
Your mom is so whack
Together you are grand show
You are now entered in Proper Opossum Poetry Contest # 2.
Thank you and stay tuned.
Poetical Pearl
Congratulations.
You are now entered in Proper Opossum Poetry Contest # 2.
Thank you and stay tuned.
Poetical Pearl
Hello Pearl,
I have a colony of squirrels in my walls, and my landlord is not doing anything about them. These suckers chew through lead but I don’t want to get medieval on them yet. Any suggestions on how I can ask them to kindly move out? Thanks, wise one!
http://www.humanecontrol.com/
This is for California but I’m sure they would refer.
Squirrels don’t live in colonies so it may be a mother and her babies and they will move out when the youngsters are old enough. It may not be squirrels. Humane removal is the way to go and experts are out there.
Good luck.
I’m very disappointed you rejected my question in form of the song written just for you. Why you wanna hurt me heart so?
There are few things sadder than a hurting Marmot heart.
I have been faithful to thee, Marmotson, in my fashion.
Sha la la ME la la te da
Dear Pearl,
A couple nights ago I found an injured opossum suffering from either a dog mauling or being hit by car. I took him to the local wildlife rescue rehabilitation center and they picked the sweet boy up from the blanket he was wrapped in and took him back to the hospital. I think he will survive but wouldn’t have in his injured state with coyotes and cars around here.
He was so tame and docile I’m thinking he would do better going to live in a home and have stories read to him in bed. He is tired and deserves to be cuddled. Is there such a place for weary opossums? He is on the Central Coast of California. I would drive him anywhere if the rehabilitation center would allow me to take him back.
Good for you!
Injuries can make otherwise normal wildlife appear tame and docile. When in doubt get the animal medical help, reassess, and if possible release back into the wild.
Born free and all that…
Pearl, the hedonist tripod, who has always had the best of all worlds
Dear Pearl,
I was a wild squirrel, in more ways than one, but some old guy shot me while I was at his squirrel feeder. (I wish I knew why they make those things so hard to use!) I’m wondering what you’re doing tomorrow night. If you’re not busy, would you care to join me for peanuts and suet, and maybe a movie? I’m thinking The Girl with the Squirrel Tattoo, or maybe Groundhog Day.
My photo: http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2276/2401431111_1fc95b5694_z.jpg
Your admirer,
Foxy
Foxy, my man~
Be still my dead little heart.
You are a looker, dude. I’m a red foxer, myself. What, pray tell, are you?
Your suggestion is not without appeal. Tomorrow’s a bit of a problem. Actually it’s my significant other that’s a bit of a problem.
Have you considered taking another squirrel spin earthside? What part of the planet are you from? I was thinking of another go-round in Southern California. We could meet up in Riverside around June of 2014? It’s gonna take ME that long to get my human on track .
Sorry you got shot at a squirrel feeder. Have you checked out the Stockton du Pres revenge support groups? Mighty gratifying.
Pearl of Infinite Possibilities
Sweet Pearlie May
Are you really a dead squirrel or really a human?
This is not an either/or question.
And that’s Mae with an E.
Have a glorious day. Pearl loves you!
Dear Pearl,
I am a middle-aged dromedary living in rural Arizona. This crazy lady claims she “owns” me and she sometimes puts a saddle on me. No massages for me!!! The food is terrible too. I don’t really like it here, but now that border security has been tightened it’s nearly impossible to leave. I met a hunky water buffalo named Hal on OKCupid, but he lives in Wisconsin. How am I supposed to meet my last shot at true love if I can’t even walk down the street without being pulled over? The racial profiling here is rampant. Should I just content myself with receiving Hal’s aural messages or should I chance deportation?
Your Truly,
Coco Chamel
Dear Ms. Chamel~
Deportation to where, exactly? There is good news and bad news and plenty of irrelevant news for you.
Contrary to popular belief, It is NOT illegal to hunt camels in Arizona.
BUT…in 1913 Arizona declared that camels had gone extinct so the likelihood of being legally gunned down in Arizona is remote since nobody there believes in you.
That said, water buffalo are at a premium in any of the 48 contiguous states but Wisconsin can boast not only a particular water buffalo of interest but also 122 organic apple orchards. This is all factual because Pearl is nothing if not more or less factual.
So smile and make yourself some warm gingerbread.
You Pal, Pearl
Dear Pearl,
Any tips on keeping the birds away from my squirrel feeder?
Trusting you in all things,
Margaret
Excellent question, Margaret!!!
Birds are annoying vulgar creatures who will just take over if you don’t remain vigilant.
The answer is bigger stuff in the squirrel feeder. We like walnuts and pecans in the shell, whole plums and avocados and Zupreem monkey biscuits. But…monkeys are also annoying vulgar creatures who will just take over if you don’t remain vigilant, so be warned and prepared to call monkey control.
P de W
Dear Pearl,
People tell me I worry to much and that I should stop, and I do try; but what if I’m not worrying right? Also, if ever I’m asked: do you prefer the tango or the cha-cha? I think we should know this.
Greetings Paw,
Dance and be happy and everything falls into pace.
Prancing Pearl of the Three Perfect Legs
Dear Pearl,
I think you are wonderful and you make me laugh..my question is my moma and my gramma both got cancer this year and its been very hard both are doing Chemo..Pearl, will things ever be ok agian? Will i ever be as happy as I was.I’m just seem to very angry at how things are but I dont know if i’ll ever be the same agian..anyway thanks for your time Pearl and merry christmas!
Sweet Sammi~
You will never be the same again. You will find a new happiness that comes from knowing your mother and grandmother better than ever before. And their relationship will mend in places they didn’t even know were broken. And it will never be the same.
There is cancer in my family, too. Yes, squirrels get cancer. Research shows that Cleopatra had Graves disease, which has nothing to do with you but I thought I’d mention it.
Couragio! (That’s Italian. I learned it from a Canadian)
Your Pal Pearl
Does the universe have a plan for ME, Octavio?
Hola, Otavio~
Actually, no, the Universe does not have a plan for you. But the Universe will support your plan, especially if your plan supports the Universe.
Pearl, Personal Planner
I’m writing a research paper on Matthew Brady, the civil war photographer. What kind of camera did he use. I can’t find out anywhere and I thought that you, being all heaven-ie and such, could help me out. So…..help me out? 🙂 please and thank you
Hey Jules,
You have come to the right squirrel to further your research. The answer to your question lies with Stockton Dupres. He was there.
Read through the information pertaining to him, Stockton DuPres.
Do not use my name. We had a ‘thing’ and it ended badly, if you catch my drift.
If, after you have researched his history, you still do not have what you are looking for, come back to ME and I’ll give you some answer or other.
Pearl the Omniscient
Dear Pearl,
My hair is very greasy. I’m extremely tall, I pick my nose, and my best friend’s name starts with an M and ends with an A. I smell like monkey butts and I don’t remember the last time I took a shower. Lastly, I walk around with the neck of an ostrich. I know I sound gross, but I must know; what animal is most related to me?
Love, with all of my internal organs,
Julia.
Dear Julia,
I don’t want to know you.
Pearl loves everybody except you.
O.k., o.k.,Pearl is having a bad moment.
Ommm Ommmmmm.
Nope, that’s it, alright.
Good-bye.
Love,
Pearl
Dearest Pearl,
My entire life, I’ve felt a very strong connection to the famed cartoon staple, Minnie Mouse. I can’t shake the feeling that I actually WAS her in a passed lifetime. Do you think I am correct? If not, what WAS I? Please help me out here.
Thanks,
Kevin
Dear Kevin,
You’re STILL Minnie Mouse. Rejoice.
If the ears fit…
A Pearl to Ponder
Gentle Readers,
On occasion some of you write in with descriptive en flagrante delicto fantasies featuring ME and other of my species. This is to be expected, the squirrel being the universal sex symbol and ME, Pearl, being the uber squirrel. However, in the interest of keeping ME Pearl a family friendly website where all is posted for fun and for love, some of your comments and requests have been appropriately redirected. Thank you for your understanding.
Pearl, President of ME Pearl.com
where you can kvetch with confidence
What happens if you put fake nails on a possum …also what happened to peach?
About what you’d expect. They can’t climb, groom, hunt or text. It’s criminal.
Please see Proper Opossum Disposal. RIP, Peach.
Dear Pearl,
I hope you don’t mind answering questions from a missing (presumed dead) cat, but I’m wondering if you’re familiar with those Squirrel Underpants that are advertised in novelty catalogs. Also, if it’s not too personal: Boxers or briefs?
Good grief, I’ve gotten buried in those little briefs for the past three birthdays.
It’s not funny, people.
Rather than spend money on gifts for ME, please send non tax deductible donations to ME by clicking on any of the PayPearl buttons generously scattered throughout this website.
BTW, Waldo, you and I both know you aren’t dead anymore so quit exploiting your human’s delicate sensibilities so shamelessly. The statute of limitations on dead cats has run out.
Love,
Pearl
Dear pearl,
What should I name my son?
Radish.
Dear Pearl, I like playing with you, you really are fun! May I please throw a little party for your birthday? I am thinking we could have refreshments and decorations, just whatever you would like. When is your birthday? Should I buy some new books?
O.K.
But make it a BIG party on January 30 and throw it every year and find out what branches have to be shinnied up to make it an international holiday. O.K.? That seems only right.
Please serve pecan pie and macadamia nut cookies and black walnut ice cream without the pie, cookies, and ice cream.
That should be a tradition.
What are your old books?
Did you know that I’m in the process of writing my memoirs in verse of variable meter? Hardly seems worth your buying a new book before that one becomes available. I mean, why?
Swell idea, FourOwl. Good bird!
Pearl Pearl the Birthday Girl
Dearest Lady Pearl,
I am a wildlife rehabilitator (on of the pink ones) and have been blessed with many happy squirrel releases. However, if I cannot help or save a squirrel, am I forgiven for setting him or her free from a mortal body, in pain, into another life?
Mama A
I welcome them with my outstretched petite furry brassos.
Pearl, Blessed Receiving Mother and Knower of All Things, including Mechanical
Dear Pearl, You are awesome. Thank you. A flying squirrel made her nest in between the window pane and closed shutter and has 3 beautiful babies. She is so pretty. Does she want any services from me? I met a special spiral snail shaped stone a few years ago who came and seemed to enjoy playing with the ducklings I was rearing, they played in their water dish. Would you please comment? I sit by the pond shore and gaze at the water and living creatures and wonder if I am being called to be a diviner. Am I?
Dear FourOwl,
Look at your name and look at your question. The call has been answered.
Pearl de Duh
Dear Ryan of Louisville,
Ease up the access and egress if you think that may be problematic for her. A little dish of yogurt for as a chaser would be welcome. Good Man!
Pearl de Getting Used to Stupid Possums
Would you date a 26 years old?
Hey, gherson
Do you have any idea how old that is in squirrel years? I’m already dead and you are still too old for me. If you want to talk to the human, Georgette, you can contact her in the comment section of MEpearlA on youtube. This site is all about ME and how I can fix you. Do you need fixing?
Indicators are that, yes.
Watch ‘ME Pearl Explained’ and peruse this site and then write back and lay it on ME, Buddy.
I dig the adventurous type.
Pearl de Wisdom, at your service
Hi Pearl,
I happen to come across your Opossum pedicure video. Very unique indeed. Keep making those videos.
I’ll stay tuned.
-Joseph of Cali.
Hi Joseph,
‘Very unique’ is redundant just like ME. Welcome to my world!
Pearl, Sciurus Squirrel
Dear Pearl,
Ugh. Warbles. Aren’t they just the worst?
Your latest acolyte,
Margaret Cross
Oooh Ug! Leave them alone and they’ll fly home, leaving a hole behind them.
Hope it’s only one.
Ewe ewe barf.
Thank you for sharing, Margaret.
Hi, Pearl.
I have a question I hope you can help me with. When you visit Disneyland and have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse, does the guy in the suit smile?
Your devoted fan,
Goniff
Dear Goniff ~
Depends on the time of day.
P.
hallelujah
opossums
may your soul be among us all
live long and prosper!
Dear Mao,
What?
Dear Lady Pearl,
I am a huge fan of yours. Literally. I now come to you for guidance and, perhaps, a wee bit of solace. The newspaper today says “hydrangeas are a flower to lust for.” This baffles me. Can you shed some light here?
Yrs Enthusiastically,
Euphemia Struthers, Esq., etc
Well, Euphemia,
If you are not a hydrangea I wouldn’t worry about it.
Might you be the Euphemia Struthers immortalized by Carolyn Keene?
Yours is a particularly fine name.
Other names I have appreciated:
Chloe Winterberry, Winny Finn and Kent Twitchell.
Just how literally huge are you? Or are you literally a fan, as in ceiling and Chinese dancing?
Either way, welcome to my world.
Enthusiastically back at ya, Euphy,
Pearl the Enlightened
Dear Lady Pearl,
I knew you would have an answer and you did. I should just not let these little things get on my nerves, I’d have less reflux.
My grandmother always excused her act of forgery in the hospital by saying, “For heaven’s sakes, Euphemia Struthers is a far easier name to take than Starchild Rainbow Weasel.”
Well, I may have put on a little weight over the years, it’s true. It may be time to lay off the fried twinkies.
At any rate, I do ramble on. I just want to say how glad I am that you are here to guide us lost souls.
-Euphemia
Mrs. Pearl,
I don’t care if you’re dead, I am dead inside as well. Please let me love you and embrace you, I need you.
Hey Joe!
You do know I’m a squirrel, right? Of course you may love ME. How not? But embracing cannot happen until you have passed through the veil.
J’attend, mon amour~
Pearl of Perfect Patience
Dear Pearl,
I live in the city, and in the recent weeks I’ve been seeing baby opossums wandering around, in two separate occasions now. They were both roughly the size of a pair of bundled socks, and seemed to be behaving like normal, grown opossums.
As an avid fan of your youtube videos, I immediately thought to ask you- about what size do the babies wander on their own normally? I don’t wish to bother my local animal control with normal animal behavior, unless these babies are actually orphaned and in danger.
Thanks in advance, and I’ve always made sure to heed your advice to leave these wild animals be.
Dear Concerned,
Seven inches not including tail and they are good to be on their own.
Thank you for being concerned for the opossums. Now let’s be concerned with your grammar for a moment. It would be ‘on’ separate occasions. It could be ‘in’ separate situations or circumstances but it pretty much has to be ‘on’ separate occasions.
Pearl mentions this only because she loves you and wants your voice to be strong.
Your friend,
Pearlie Mae
We “met” over youtube, when I was inquiring about Peach & Pear, Dr. Jones, etc. We just discovered a sick baby possum in our driveway. We don’t live anywhere near Dr. Jones (we’re up in La Canada). What do we do?
Response via private email.
Don’t dawdle.
P.
hi Pearl, i saw your videos and they seem quite “ABNORMAL” are you ok mentally? is that why you ask for money? to get your medicines?? xoxo,Yamila
Dearest Yamila,
I am asking for money because I want it. I want you to send ME money. You can do this by clicking on the numerous Paypal buttons provided for this purpose. Sending Pearl money is good for you and Pearl is nothing if not altruistic. So do it. You’ll be glad you did. You may feel better about this proactive approach of befriending ME, Pearl, if you first get a little drunk and listen to the theme music from the Jackie Gleason show.
On another note, please do not confuse ME, Pearl de Wisdom, aka Pearl de Squirrel, with the human, Georgette. I am a proud rodent whereas Georgette is not. Conflating our two separate entities would be a mistake. So don’t do it. Send money instead.
I cannot answer for Georgette’s mental normalcy or need for psychotropics. That is a matter best left between a woman and her psychopharmacologist/dealer.
As for myself, I am simply a genius and, as such, a highly suitable recipient of substantial sums of money. So be not bothered by inconsequentials, Yam Yam. An opportunity for demonstrating largess is at hand. Seize it!
Pearl the Positive
I’m really confused…R u really serious with this “MEPearl” dead squirrel and stuff? Is it all some joke or made up story? A lot of people seem to take this stuff seriously…If you truly believe in the “MEPearl” stuff, than no offence, but u need to get some help…
Dear Nicole ~
Thank you for your concern.
And~
It is clear that you have written in to the ME Pearl advice column because you would like some help for yourself. And that is what I am here for. Do not debate the form when you crave the content.
Tell Pearl what is troubling you and let’s see if we can sort it out. There are no accidents. You are here now. Be brave and be truthful. I am every bit as real as you are, a good deal more so, actually.
Pearl the Patient
I do believe in the ME Pearl stuff because I’m finally not wandering around the house asking myself “where’s Larry?”. Who the hell knows where he is. But thinking about my sweet boy as a knocked up water opossum living near a South American riverbank (I picture French Guiana because I use to call him Laurent and she now goes by Laurette) trying to perfect her ceviche recipe (I’ve seen him eat fish) – makes me LAUGH! After being so sad for so long about losing him I’m cracking up thinking about the possibilities of his after life. Ha!
You make me feel better about what happened. Thank you.
Where’s Larry? I love him with all my heart.
He’s in Rio getting a gender reassignment.
Couragio!
He’s predeceased? Again?
Who’s Larry?
Pearl the Perplexed
My sweet opossum. We were inseparable until he passed away in September. Where is he? Where did he go?
Oh, you mean LARRY.
Yes, this sweet entity is once again pre-deceased and living in South America as a pregnant Yapok.
S)he wanted to be a marsupial once more and try it the old fashioned way.
Laurette would love to see you but the trip is treacherous. If you get there, she promises to whip you up a nice ceviche. Really.
Pearl of Privileged Information
how can i believe that you really have such wisdom
Easiest thing, there isn’t much to it,
All you gotta’ do is doodily do it.
Words to Ponder by Pearl
Hey,
I’m your biggest fan. I want to visit you in heaven. That’s why I have decided to commit suicide, to meet you in heaven. So please give me advice for the best way to kill myself.
Sincerly, ME
First, there is only one ME and it’s ME. You give my email address as yours, which is baffling because, if you believe that I am in heaven, it’s clear you know ME not at all.
Also clear is that suicide for you at this time is waaaaay premature. You need a better after care plan.
Hang in there, You. It gets better.
Pearl the Prescient
Hey Pearl,
Where can I get your t-shirts?
Will I ever find true love?
Your biggest fan,
Fanny
Dear Fanny,
For the shirts, go to the top of the page and click on SHOP MEPEARL.
For the true love, first, ask yourself “Who in my life would be really miffed that I asked that question?”
And there you have it.
A bit of wisdom, Fanny; We are not always happy with our true love.
Your Idol,
Pearl
Dear Pearl,
When I was young I believed the house I lived in was haunted. Was it a product of my overactive imagination or was it real?
-R.C.
Define ‘haunt’. Plenty of us are often slipping through the veil to have a bit of harmless fun at your expense. Haunting, however, requires commitment. Imagination… to image in. Sounds like you ‘saw’ a ghost, my friend. Maybe somebody got stuck. S#!t happens.
That’s always sad because the real fun is to come and go at will. I’ve taken to popping back for the Calvert County Fair in Maryland each year and I’m always checking out the latest ‘squirrel proof’ bird feeders. That’s just the funniest thing ever.
Why don’t you revisit your childhood home and ask the current occupants if the ghosts are still there. Ha hahaha hee hee yo yo yo, hic hic that would be funny.
Pearl, more of a ghost than a poltergeist.
Dear Pearl,
I’m addicted to playing the Call of Duty series on my Playstation 3. I’m currently at level 50 on Black Ops and have usually played 10 hours a day for the past 3 years. That’s a long time to be fighting in an online digital war, but something inside of me won’t stop. I’ve abandoned all of my real life friends and sit comfortably in a dark room of high definition electronics, while the scent of my leather recliner permeates the air. The only motions; my chest expanding from taking breath, fingers deftly interrogating the controller, and blue eyes searching LED pixels for movement. I’m used to be a pretty rad muscled up young surf bro, but now I’m a pale skinned single 31 year old. My house and Tacoma are paid for, bills are few. Now all I’m known as is testbot420 in the Playstation Network. Have I made a mistake in lifestyle choice? Where did I go wrong? Please guide me.
Sounds good to ME, Jake. Carry on.
Well will you tell me who the love of my life is? Please?
It had best be YOU, Julia.
Once that happens, you can have whomever you choose, because you will choose well.
If you are between the ages of 12 and 17 none of this counts.
Pearl de Right
Hi. You seem to have a lot of wisdom and know what the future holds for some humans. Do you know who I’m going to get married to (I’d like to know a name or initals)? I would really like to know. This is killing me! Oh, and when will I meet him?
Julia! Julia! Julia! STOP.
I know the answer to your question and I won’t tell you because it’s the wrong question.
Before getting married it’s essential that Julia accomplish something extraordinary on her own, something that will flood you with self esteem. Go to Egypt, assemble a piece of furniture from IKEA, help save a whale.
You came to ME because you recognize the greatness of an individual. Of course I have the advantage of being a squirrel but do not be discouraged. You can have the greatness that is Julia. Do not give yourself away before you have claimed yourself.
Pearl believes in you. Go do something unique and wonderful and then tell ME about it.
Pearl de Wisdom, et beaucoup Charm
Hiya! I saw your website and I find it very interesting! I thought I’d ask you for some advice, but I’m not sure if you can answer it.
I really want to be a musician (like a singer). I take singing lessons, guitar lessons, and I’m teaching myself piano. Should I try to become a famous singer? And how should I accomplish it?
Thanks!
Hey Peyton~
‘Like’ a singer? Or a singer? No, do not try to become a famous singer. Simply become a singer. You accomplish this by singing.
And let someone else teach you the piano, someone who knows how to play. It’s easier that way.
You already are a musician. Now become a good one. Practice and patience.
Pearl, considering an afterlife in Opera You heard it here first.
Dear Pearl,
I am sending you $100 because I can, because you make me laugh, because I love your world, because I’m drunk.
xoxoxoxo
Fanny Dancy
Good Fannydancy, whatever you are.
You make Pearl laugh.
Pearl the Happy
Dear Pearl,
You advised me to run away and join the circus.
That wasn’t helpful.
Maria
Dear Maria,
Did you try it? No high wire acts for you and don’t get into a car with some clown.
Your job is to lead the elephants out of the tent and head for Tennessee.
You won’t understand until you try it.
Send ME a card from Hohenwald.
Pearl of I Always Know What I’m Talking About.
Pearl de Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility of whatever may go terribly terribly
wrong as a result of taking her advice.
Dear Pearl,
I recently hung a bird feeder in my backyard. So far, no birds (or squirrels, whom I don’t mind feeding as well) have visited. This is upsetting as I have successfully fed birds in the past. I would like to attract nuthatches, chickadees and tufted titmice. I miss sitting at my kitchen table, drinking Drambuie and humming ‘Anything Goes’ as the Titmouse Chorus Line works its way to the feeder.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Dear Kate,
The world has gone mad today and good’s bad today and day’s night today and black’s white today and most girls today are prizing squirrels today so replace those silly bird feeders with squirrel feeders, replenish the drambuie, and prepare to be dazzled by your own backyard cirque du soliel.
Pearl the Right
Hi Pearl,
I was really confused of who you are. I mean you are really mysterious and you said that you are a dead squirrel. How come? Your logo looks like a chinchilla.
But if you have chinchillas at home, I can share my knowledge about Chinchilla Care.
Anyway, I want to have your advice on how I can overcome my anxiety and to have focus on what I am doing.
Thanks for your time reading my message. I will look forward for your reply.
– Roger
Hi Roger,
I am a transcended squirrel who has essentially reached deity status. You did right to contact ME. And by contacting ME you demonstrate that you are able to focus just fine. Finding the spiritual target and connecting is supreme focusing. Believe in yourself, Roger. You are amazing!
Pearl, who knows of what she speaks
Dear Pearl,
It saddens me to tears that sweet little Peach has gone on to opossum heaven. I don’t know if you guys were close or not, but I’m sorry for your loss. When I heard the devastating news my heart ripped out of my chest. I feel like a part of me is missing. I am so so sorry and depressed. How can I send my condolences?
Greatly yours truly
Fabio Florence
Actually I never cared for the big rat. Not the sharpest possum in the shed, if you catch my drift. But I love producing videos and it ain’t easy finding talent who will work for a grape. The big pink person is simply an A. L .B. A. T. R. O. S. S but, at this juncture in the time space continuum, she is my only channel through. My disappointment is massive. In fact, I’m gonna cry right along with you, Fabio Florence.
I was hoping for a cotton tufted tamarin replacement (wouldn’t that be cool!!?), not that dumb lump called Pear. My burdens are many.
Do I sound uncharitable? Well phlugg. Let’s cry, Fabio Florence, let’s cry a river.
Pearl, drowning in the deluge of what might have been
Dear Pearl.Would you please be so kind as to tap the pink human on the back of her head and get her to answer the question of the ages”will she dance with me”. I aint gettin any younger…and niether is she for that matter. id like to break bread with her and laugh before i croak again. I know you know something about croaking…it isnt all its a cracked nut up to be no? tell the truth and shame the devil now Pearl….it isnt that much fun…but the view?…oh…to die for.
Hey…in case i never hear from you all over again? Have a great Holiday season and thanks for the vids…they are priceless. All one has to do is keep the eye on the opossum to catch the humor in it. God bless. Keep the faith…its worth keepin
Ciao
Fish
And how do you see this playing out, oh Esox masquinongy, in the great global darkness?
This is like ME asking to dance with Stockton DuPres. As, indeed, I did. But hopes get dashed by posses.
Pearl, the Personal Posse
hello-
do you have any massage tips for my pet armadillo, he seems pretty uptight. he is laying on the ground in a ball and has been for several days. he is very cold and smells bad. if he is at state between life or death will you please send him a message? his name is Reginald. : ” dear sweetie, find the strength to come back to me. i love you very much. hold on, I’m coming for you.”
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Admiral Brian Quzac
Well, Admiral, contacting a dead squirrel on the Internet is certainly one way to go, but have you considered contacting an exotic animal veterinarian? Or perhaps wildlife rehabilitators from regions where armadillos are plentiful?
Please see Reality Check on this site and follow the links.
Pearl the Pragmatic
Dear Pearl,
Thankyou for your lovely videos!
They have assisted me in a better care of my sweet sparkle. ( My Opossom!)
🙂
Do you happen to know any tip’s on preparing for a baby lemur?
Thanks!
Much love,
Kathy Reed
Thanks, Kathy~
Glad to oblige.
As for the baby lemur prep, I recommend observing mama lemur closely and taking notes. Mama everythings know best, except in the rare instances when they are simply bat shit crazy.
Your Humble Servant,
Ha Ha hahaha yo yo yoyoyo hic hic
ME Pearl
Dear Pearl,
I used to have lunch with squirrels every day where I work. I would feed them and talk them. Now they don’t come around anymore and my favorite has gone missing. What should I do?
Read, Kiki, read !
Squirrels bore easily.
Pearl of Useful Information
Dear Pearl,
Is Earth the only location in our galaxy where life exists? If not, how far is the closest?
Thanks!
Tall Dave
Hi Tall Dave,
Short Pearl, here. The closest location is Etherea and it’s less than a breath away. Anybody who was anybody is here and can see and influence everything you do and think. Like now.
Oh, stop showing off. It may take you a while to get used to this idea and relax. But you will. Those activities that embarrass you most tend to bore us to distraction. But most of us retain an avid interest in food and, as often as not, your food choices are not entirely your own.
As for other locations, sure. Inner, inter, and exter galaxy. But it’s always the same beings being recycled and re-purposed hither thither and yon. There is nobody new under whatever sun happens to be out or not.
Pearl de Knowing
Dear Pearl,
I am reading an old Lakota cookbook and it is fairly straightforward, except for a “squirrel skull measure”. I figured you would be the perfect one to tell me how many teaspoons are in a squirrel skull.
Thanks in advance,
Kelly
Kelly, my friend,
You sound really hard up for reading material. Wouldn’t you prefer a spicy Judith Krantz novel?
Dear ME,
I’ve done well at sticking out the summer heat, but now that it’s fall I find myself baking everyday. Short sleeves just aren’t enough, and the dress code of my faceless government overlords has no mercy… What should I do?
Dear Mark,
Take whatever you are baking, lace it with tequilla, place it in a basket, cover with a checkered napkin, and deliver it to your faceless government overlords. There is much mercy in a margarita muffin, believe you ME.
ME
So Pearl, I get your omnipotence and all that, but where’s the raccoon videos? We outweigh you and outsmart you. We can’t outrun you but lets face it, who wants to work that hard? I know a couple of coons that could pose for you, just watch thse teeth!
Bug, King of Coons
Hey Bug,
Unlike many of my ilk I just love you guys. Racoons Rock!
Thanks for recognizing my omnipotence. I just love when that happens. Proves you are almost as sharp as you claim, as well as substantial.
Pearl of Plenty to Go Around
Hi Pearl,
Your video on Possum Pedicure was very informative. I am very concernced about Chinny (the Chinchilla). He seems depressed, and I am worried about him. His love of grapes and apples seems to be waning. Could this be a pedicure problem. I must admit, I have never given him a pedicure and that may be the issue.
Concerned parent,
Grod
Hello Grod,
Assuming you are meeting all of Chinny’s immediate needs (http://home.comcast.net/~jaxchinchillas/ChinchillaCare.html),
he may be experiencing a complex theosophical conundrum. Please see Proper Opossum Analysis parts 1&2&3 and transpose accordingly.
Pearl of Great Pith
Dear Pearl, I am pretty sure I am in love with you. I just thought you should know.
I can understand that. And I am very happy with your name, The Captain and Ten Eels. Isn’t it wonderful to find things that make our heart sing?
Pearl de Joie
How do I become One?
You are One. And you and I both know, One What.
Dear Pearl, I was seeking your advice in life as I am on my path to redemption from a terribly sinful deed. Earlier this year, in the midst of my severe addiction to alcohol and cocaine, I was driving through a northern Ontario town when I came across a pet cemetery, looking for directions. The cemetery worker was not present, and in a drunken stupor, I wandered in through the gates. I was walking through the rows of small graves that marked the locations of fallen critters. Eventually, I came across a much larger gravestone, nearly double the size of an average human grave. It was the resting place of a family of squirrels that had died over time, who were owned by the local veterinarian. In my absence of sobriety, I defaced the grave in multiple ways including urinating on it and marking it with black spray paint I had acquired to fix a spot on my car. Pearl, I know what I did was very wrong, but what can I possibly do to gain redemption from God and his furry critter friends? Any help is greatly appreciated.
Not to worry, Hopeless Wanderer~
First, nobody owns a squirrel, living or dead. Next, God doesn’t get that exercised over where you put your pee. And lastly, absolution is at hand, your hand; the one with the finger that pushes the Pay Pearl button.
Be of good cheer. Eat a plate of spaghetti.
P.
why do you need money, squirrels dont need money. what are you doing but lying
Hey herp~
See The Pearl Prophesies, Insight two.
Everything has an astral equivalent. Plus it makes ME happy when you send ME money. AND, it’s good for you. Do it and see for yourself. Click on that Paypal send button and you will immediately feel more actualized and less snarky.
And remember, Pearl loves you.
Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Dear wise Pearl, how did you die? and how in the world did you find that human? I find it hard believe that you were really a squirrel.
very confused,
Sabrina
Dear Confused Sabrina,
Not only was I really a squirrel but I am NOW more squirrel than ever.
It was my sainted mother who found that human. I’m as baffled as you as to why. Ommmm Ommmm.
I died when my body became too weak and tired to contain my expanding radiance. I was 10 years old. That’s a respectable time span for an earthbound squirrel body.
A new video dedicated to explaining ME is currently in production and soon to be released on the MEpearlA channel on Youtube.
Subscribe now. Subscribe often.
Hello dear Pearl,
i am an orphan and i don’t know on which day i am born. They did tell me that i was approximately 15-16 years old. Could you tell me when i was born, so i could celebrate my brithday ?
Thank you so much in advance.
Aujourd’hui,Mathias, vous étiez né aujourd’hui, le 13 août 1900 et que vous voulez. Célébrer aujourd’hui. Célébrer souvent. Mangent du gâteau et demandez beaucoup des cadeaux. Vous êtes, après tout, le Duc.
Pearl, Conseiller à l’Aristocratie
Several years ago a squirrel died under my porch and I had intended to use its tiny skull to make an altar piece. Alas, I never followed through and I feel as though the poor little guy was cheated of a chance at ritual brilliance. How can I honor his memory, while at the same time not actually killing a squirrel. (This one had been hurt on a power line.)
Most humbly,
Aki
Hello Aki,
Ritual brilliance is a wonderful thing and everyone, living and dead, thrives from being at the center of it. Please know that your little squirrel Aki友人 created an outstanding ritual for you over here and all is well. Let your heart be happy on her behalf.
Pearl of the Peaceful Spirit
Dear Pearl,
I dreamed last night that everyone else in the class was naked, and I was the only one wearing clothes. What the heck could that mean?
You were in the wrong class……………again.
Despite what David seems to think I like you. You make me feel more comfortable with my oddities.
Also, I think my cat has a crush on you. I told him it was against nature but he’s very stubborn.
Thanks, Steph~
David likes ME, too. We have an understanding.
So your cat has a crush on ME. I can understand that. Very little is actually against nature. You can find a precedent for just about anything.
Even so, your cat shouldn’t get his hopes up. I’m in a pretty comfortable relationship with an Eastern Grey.
Pearl of the Positive Vibes toward All
Dear Pearl,
I really need to get on the high track to having a career! I want to be a police officer but I have some fitness goals that I have reach first. What is your best advice on how to achieve those goals?
Hey Bobbi,
Pearl of Paranoia would LOVE to have a friend on the police force. How far off the fitness goals are you? Truth! You have my full support. Send ME specifics.
Pearl, friend of the police, really, always have been, really
Pearl,
How do I get the squirrels to stop eating the vegetables in my parents’ garden? My dad shots at them with a BB gun, which seems to have kicked-off some sort of war in the backyard. Now the squirrels are tossing half-eaten nuts at him from the higher branches of a pecan tree. Your advice would be most welcome!
Plant more vegetables, Matt. And ditch dad’s BB gun. There is a squirrel liberation army out there. Il faut prennez soin.
You sure are one wierd/crazy individual to create a website like this. I mean really, are you seriously talking to a dead squirrel and asking it for advice!?…. Just when I thought the world couldn’t get any stranger, you prove me wrong.
Thanks, man
But just so you’re clear, I AM the dead squirrel.
Pearl the dead squirrel
Dear Pearl,
Should I keep this mustache or shave it off?
Dear Rachel,
That depends. What are you?
Pearl of Probable and Improbable Abilities
Pearl,
How long will it take me to lose 100 lbs? What are your best weight loss tips?
Dear Pearl,
I want to bake muffins next week, but can’t decide what kind to make. Poppyseed is good… but then, so is banana nut. What is your favorite kind of muffin?
Dear Sarah,
Bake ‘em all! More is more. Celebrate excess.
Pearl of Plenty
Dear Pearl, my 16 year old son has been hunting, skinning and eating squirrel since he was 10 years old. Although I say ‘live and let live’ his dad from Texas encourages the sport. What can I say to make him think twice about his actions and the karma involved. The cruelty is breaking my heart!
When I suggest eatting vegan, he says ‘at least animals have a running chance that plants don’t have!’
I divorced my cruel ex but this is my flesh and blood son! Please advise.
Bethany~
You don’t have to say anything.
I’m on it!
Pearl des Tenebres
P.S. Bethany~
Lest you find my response insufficient, I’ve returned to elaborate. I am advising you to take the positive action of doing nothing.
Do not engage in any part of this behavior. No conversing on the subject whatsoever. Best to not even think about it. Release it. Shake out the feelings. Let it go. Cease all resistance. Cease all participation. You cannot change your son. Let it go and focus on everything you love about your boy.
The behavior you describe is deplorable with tragic consequences and I am in a unique position to understand and take action. Believe ME when I say I’m on it.
So, Bethany,
Let go and let ME.
Pearl des Tenebres
Thank you for your pearls of wisdom. The Universe is infinite with possibilities. I will take you advice and let go of trying to change ‘the hunter’ and see a loving peacemaker inside of him.
With great gratitude, knowing you are on top of the situation,
Bethany
Dearest Bethany,
It behooves me to inform you that your son is exhibiting the early signs of serial killer behavior. You may want to perform a bit of excavation in your back yard – no telling what you might find.
Detective Goren
Pearl: I’ve always wondered if a stitch in time really does saves nine.
Your devoted fan,
David
Hello David,
Your question perplexes the Pearl. What is REALLY on your mind? We’re not here to shilly shally around. Speak up, man!
Your Friend,
Pearl
I Don’t understand. what is your purpose?
Hey Tyler~
My purpose is to give advice and make a buck. I’m a simple squirrel HAhaHAha ho ho heeheehee hic hic, no, really. Do not confuse ME with the witch in the videos whose purpose is more sentimental. She’s got some empathy with all living creatures pig swill going on. But don’t worry. You won’t get any of that nonsense from ME Pearl. Just straight from the shoulder spot on advice. So open your heart to ME.
Pearl of Compassion (No, really. Seriously, I am )
Elizabeth~
Right off, I like your attitude.
Check this out, Elizabeth, and get back to ME.
Let’s see if you’ve got the right stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB3iqKnh2-Y
Pearl,
It must be very strange for you to see one of us behaving like you, but at least this woman appears to be approaching the material with respect. Too often one sees impressions based on tired stereotypes, failing to entertain but succeeding at offensiveness.
I’ve got the wide-eyed paranoia down pat already, so I think I can make this happen, possibly with a little extra caffeine intake for that authentic twitchiness. I will study the neighborhood squirrels for more inspiration.
Off to practice my nibbling,
Elizabeth
Dear Pearl,
How does one become ordained as your priest or priestess? I am seeking a new spiritual direction in life and this one looks as good as any. If necessary I could learn to speak squirrel.
Yours in anticipation,
Elizabeth
The opposume videos are excellent and informative. When are the squirrel videos coming out for our education?
Hello Bethany,
Here’s the thing; It’s rare to run across an opossum who is a diva. It’s even more rare to run across a squirrel who is not. So these things take time. But here’s an inside scoop for you, my partner Sam, The Teeth, is working on a new version of the old standard “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down my pants.” It’s got a ways to go before achieving the ME Pearl Production’s seal of approval. But stay tuned~~~
Dear Pearl
Will I get a proposal this year?
Love
Lana
Yes, Lana~
I propose that you make a non tax deductible donation to ME Pearl.
Love
Pearl
Hello Eustace Cunningham,
You will come to understand that you do not have to understand, and what a relief and cause for celebration that will be.
Perhaps today.
Good News Pearl
Oh, wise Pearly one,
Will I ever understand?
Is there a God?
Sure.
Dear Pearl,
Since you are dead, could you give my long dead cat a hug or is there too much beef between cats and squirrels?
Sincerely,
Buffy
Buff~
To hug, the Pearl must be inspired.
But your question is like you meeting someone from Michigan and expecting them to know your cousin because she lives in Michigan, too; only a million zillion katrillion infinitillion extra astronomical gillion zillion times bigger.
Yes, I could probably find her, I’m Pearl. But it be would labor intensive and I have to ask myself, “Is a cat worth it?” And the answer is “No”.
But do keep writing in, we’re bound to find something for you.
Pearl of Priorities
Do you miss your nuts?
Why would I miss my nuts?
Explain yourself, Gentle Reader.
Or visit the Second Insight on The Pearl Prophecies.
Bless you and have a nice day.
Pearl of Oh, Just Everything
Why do some squirrels around me have almost no fur on their tails?
Because they’re rats.
Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Dear Pearl,
I have this stabbing pain in the lower right side of my abdomen. The doctors can’t find anything. I’ve gone the Peru shaman route but it still hurts. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Earlie Harris
Dear Earlie,
Cherries. Trust ME on this. Lots and lots of cherries.
Pearl, Doctor Practitioner Extraordinaire
Pearl of Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice. Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Dear Peter,
What do you think I’m doing?
Pearl, Poltergeist of the Internet
Dear Pearl,
Aren’t you tempted to haunt people?
Pete
Dear Pearl,
You are such fun! But- I just read your Herstory section and can’t help but notice that you are not very nice to your Pink Mama/Channeler. I’ll bet that underneath it all you really love her, right?
Kathryn Carpathian
Kathryn,
Hmmm. Dunno. I never think about it. I do know that she loves ME and that’s what matters to both of us.
Pearl of Simplicity