ASK PEARL

Posted By: Admin on April 6, 2010 in - Comments: 540 Comments »

 

Let ME Explain!

 

THIS is where you have the opportunity to find the *truth from ME, Pearl of Wisdom!

* or a facsimile thereof (because, Mesdames et Messieurs, YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. ha hahaha hee hee ..hic hic hic, Pearl of Wisdom is sooo funny!)

Pearl of Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice.

Please note that your personal privacy is of no interest to Pearl.

Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.

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540 Blessed Comments

  1. Fabula Zenobia says:

    I’m afraid the Illuminati is going to take my opossum. I am worried that the government is working with the aliens because my opossum has been acting weird and I believe it is because he is sensing something. The Illuminati has been big with the teenagers of this generation and I’m scared they will take my opossum because I know he knows something. How can I protect my opossum, so it can in turn protect me?

  2. bryn martin says:

    hi lord of the squirrels, pearl. i have had bad luck with relationships forever…..will i get a boyfriend this month? will give 7 acorn 4 ur response. thx.
    bryn

  3. Fabula Zenobia says:

    Is there any way that I and my friend can meet you, perhaps over videochat? I am very intrigued by you and I want to see if you are real and not a deity.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hey Fab,
      I, ME Pearl, am an ascended squirrel currently residing in a galaxy far far away so, whereas the idea of a videochat is kinda sweet and all, the true logistics would cause exploding brains all over the universe and I don’t think you want that.
      Best be pleased with the contact we have. It’s already well beyond mind boggling, Yes? Yes!
      Time to revisit the last line of Mrs. Skeffington.
      Whisker Brush~
      Pearl

  4. lily says:

    Hello ME pearl,
    I am 11 years old and I think your videos are very cute and funny. I (like many other kids my age) want to be an artist when I grow up but it is hard to make a good career out of it so what do you think would make my art unique?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      What IS your art, Lily? Do you Paint? Draw? Sculpt? Do animation? Sing? Dance? Write novels or poems or lyrics? Perform? Design homes or clothing or jewelry? Walk the high wire? Play the piano or banjo or accordion? Make Proper Possum Care videos? Decorate Cakes? Yodel?
      Once we know what your art is, Lily, then we can make it unique.
      For a human, 11 years is a fine age to figure out your gifts and ambitions. For a squirrel, we handle it at about 4 months.
      Good Luck, Lily~
      Get back to ME.
      Your Pal, Pearl

  5. Nikay says:

    Dearest Mother Pearl,

    I am suffering from hyperthyroid disorder–my thyroid acts in a way that is not pleasing to my mind nor my bowels. My “doctor” (I don’t believe in modern medicine) tells me I need to be cut open and have it ripped from my flesh, but I don’t believe her. Instead, I come to you, great Pearl, for your wisdom and advice. What path must I take? Hasten in your response, please, the thyroid is getting to be unbearable.

    En omnia perotis,
    N

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Nikay~
      First, do not panic. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Worst case scenario is that you come visit ME for a few weeks while you figure out your next move. SO MANY OPTIONS and I’m the best hostess ever. Lots of nut souffles and hickory daiquiris.
      However, if you are not yet ready for your transition you may just have to let Missy Doctor cut you open and rip that gland from your flesh. You have “doctor” in quotes. Does that mean she just plays one on TV? Then, no, don’t let her do it.
      My family always knew how to heal everything naturally, with Mother Nature. Then I had this terrible accident as a baby and would have died of fever if this big pink human hadn’t scooped me up and and raced me off to her own Missy Doctor who cut off my leg. I loved my leg but to leave it attached would have ruined everything.
      At first it was hard to learn to live with a missing part but I did it. You can do it. If they give you a choice have them remove your leg instead. I have a whole bunch of tips to share on how to get through that. But they probably won’t.
      Most of us, including ME, believe that if our mind is just strong enough or pure enough or laser focused enough, we can think our way well. But I couldn’t do it and I’m PEARL for Pearl’s sake.
      Of course all that was before I became a megalomaniac and took over the operation of the Universe. You are right to look to ME for salvation but think beyond the one small Gilmore Girl loving body you currently possess. Meanwhile, stay away from seafood as presumably they have always extended you the same courtesy.
      Keep processing, Nikay~
      Pearl LOVES you.
      Keep the Faith.

  6. Brippy Dingle says:

    Hi – we are wondering when did you first realize you were an ascended squirrel? At birth? Also, as a huge rodent fan myself, how do you acquire your opossums? And where? And when? And why?

    xoxo
    Brippy Dingle

    • Brippy Dingle says:

      Hi perfect Pear,
      we have been checking your website awaiting a response every day and our souls have been crushed thus far 🙁
      we really wish to hear from you
      you are a goddess and we are your biggest fans

      • MEpearl MEpearl says:

        Please accept a rare apology from ME, Pearl. Your reply has somehow dematerialized and so, here again are your questions and my wise response.
        “Hi – we are wondering when did you first realize you were an ascended squirrel? At birth? Also, as a huge rodent fan myself, how do you acquire your opossums? And where? And when? And why?”
        I realized that I was an ascended squirrel when I became one, at death. One can’t ascend at birth or there is no life at all and LIFE must not be wasted.
        Do you mean you are a huge fan or a fan of huge rodents? Either way, as the quintessential rodent, Brava.
        Possums, on the other paw, are marsupials and entirely the domain of my pet human, Georgette. Where she gets them is a mystery. I suspect there’s an active black market for possums somewhere. Personally I think a ‘Proper Alpaca Care’ series would be more interesting.
        Keep connected, Noodles.
        Pearl Loves You!

  7. sabcine says:

    Why isn’t your shop working? I would like to buy them “tacky” shirts

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      New store is being set up even as we type. Tacky t-shirts are just the beginning.
      Keep the faith!
      This WILL happen, unless it doesn’t.
      But it WILL.

  8. Eliav says:

    I am a student at college, and I have reached a spiritual crossroad. Lightly I have been questioning my identity, do I follow the path that I have started on, or do I forge a new path into uncharted, and even dangerous territory? I await your guidance.

    Thank you, you provide me with hope.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Why do either when I can provide you with a ducky little cult right here?
      Have you not been paying attention?
      ME, here, now, it’s so simple. You are already home, Eliav. Welcome.
      And “lightly” is exactly how you should be questioning your identity.
      Pearl, purveyor oF all spiritual wisdom and grace and other stuff~

  9. carina says:

    hi pearl,,,,,

    i am a big fan of your videos but i am afraid that my dog is turning into an opossum. over the last few months his snout has gotten abnormally large and he seems he to be growing finer, straighter hair much like the hair of an opossum. his legs have also decreased in size and he has gained much weight and has become very short and stubby,,,, should i be worried? please respond pearl,,,,,you are my only hope to figure out this satanic situation

    much love,
    carina

  10. Taylor says:

    Hi Pearl, I just had a few questions for you. Do you find that Georgette does an adequate job speaking on your behalf? What made you choose her as your pet human? Also, do you have any idea on what the future holds for human kind as a whole?
    Thank you for your time, Pearl.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Good question, Taylor!
      Georgette is an imbecile!!!
      I sent out a call and she was the only one who heard it. There must be a channel into the human world for ME, so being a pragmatist, I took what was there. Am always on the look-out for a better one.
      The future of human kind depends entirely on respecting your mother. Gaia. Those who do must prevail over those who don’t.
      Watch the wildlife. We understand.
      Pearl, who appreciates getting straight to the point along with a nice plate of spaghetti now and again.

  11. Skippy and Moonpie says:

    Dearest Pearl de Wisdom,
    We are going off to college soon and we don’t know what direction our lives should be going in. Could you offer any sage squirrel advice on how to move on to bigger and better things?
    Much love,
    Skippy McTuggins and Moonpie Pip

  12. Spencer says:

    Dear ME Pearl,

    I worried that my oppossum is already dead. It has been playing dead for several months now. I have been told that Oppossum’s often play dead but it hasn’t moved in a long time. I’m losing hope. Please help.

    Sincerely,
    ObsessedwithOppossums

  13. #tybg says:

    Dear Pearl,
    Do you know why humans have middle names? Do you have a middle name? If so, what is it? Thank you for your time in helping with this obviously important question.
    All my love,
    #tybg

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hi #tybg,
      Think it’s because most humans are commitment phobic.
      My middle name is Mae.Commitment phobe human gave it to me. Pearlie Mae de Wisdon. What about you, #tybg? Have you a middle symbol?
      Your ME Pearl

  14. L says:

    Do you know about the Great Tim Tooten?

  15. Malone says:

    Was Georgette Spelvin a porn star?

  16. Jim says:

    hi pearl,
    I think the squirrels in my lawn are plotting to take my house over. When I pull in my driveway they will be congregated around the tree closest to my lawn, but when they see me they all disperse. I think it’s because they don’t want me to hear their plans? please help pearl I am very concerned.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hey, Jim~
      If your suspicions are correct you might just as well move out now and find another place to live.
      Unless, of course, you can share with wildlife but so few humans are able to do that.
      Save yourself a lot of grief and just give it to them. Although why they would prefer your house over a genuine, grow-out-of-the-ground tree is a mystery.
      People, if you are having trouble with squirrels, I am not your best source of succor. Think about it.
      Even so, Pearl loves you. All of you (with only a few exceptions and you can guess who you are).

  17. Madimoo says:

    I have just been blessed with raising a baby opossum (that will eventually be an educational outreach possum) that has lost one of its eyes. I feel like she now has trust issues because of this. Do you have any advice for making my opossum trust me? Also, we originally thought baby possum was a boy, but now we think it’s girl. We’ve already named it Bruce. Any questions about how we should approach Bruce on the issue of telling him ‘he” is actually a “she”? I am a firm believer of the fluidity of gender identity, but I’d like advice on how to approach the subject with the utmost sensitivity.
    Your most devoted follower,
    -BrucetheOne-EyedPossum

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Congratulations Madimoo. You are, indeed, blessed to have an opossum.
      You will gain her trust by engaging exclusively in trustworthy behaviors.
      You are funny to presume that Bruce needs you to explain her gender. The hubris of humans never ceases to astonish.
      This is a rare gift, Madimoo. Observe her and serve her and you will grow wise.
      Pearl, who knows just EVERYTHING about being wise

  18. Nate says:

    hello,

    Will I ever be an apostle of pearl?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hello Nate~
      Your question is so promising.
      Depends if you’re willing to wear the costume. We lose many initiates that way. Do you suffer from FEP, furry ear phobia? If not, and your heart is pure, then your chances are excellent.
      Pearl, the Beloved

  19. YOUpearl says:

    Dear pearl my opossum has been threatening to take out life insurance on me for the past several months and I’m starting to grow worried of the intent. Is this a bluff or should I be concerned?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Threatening for several months and you’re just now starting to worry?
      Psychic Pearl sees a Darwin Award in your future.
      DUCK!
      Just kidding~
      P

  20. Sofi says:

    Are you a Lauren Bacall fan?

  21. Jaedeite says:

    May I ask what does Pearl think of Pearl from Steven Universe? Because when I was first linked to this blog, I thought it was going to be an ask blog about that cartoon character so now I’m curious. Also you are really great. O:

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Thank you for the introduction, Jaedeite~
      Pearl de Wisdom feels connected at soul level with every other creature named Pearl.
      What do you think?
      The BIG P

  22. Possum says:

    Me Pearl,
    Can you make a video about proper opossum accessorizing? I want to know how to deck out my possum for any social function?
    All my love.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Fine idea, stay tuned.
      Meanwhile, you can never go wrong with basic black and PEARLs.

      Pearl, Fashion Adviser to the literal stars.

  23. Tonia bartley says:

    Hi Ms. Pearl,
    I hope you can help me. About 30 days ago, I was blessed with two baby possums ( their mama forgot them). I calculate they were around 7 weeks old. I was hoping to get them big enough to return to the wild.

    But one of my babies has started acting unhealthy. She was quite a bit smaller than her sibling when I found them. She is having trouble walking now. And seems to be getting weaker though she still eats. I am so worried I have done something wrong. I have researched everything possum. Have you ever encountered this problem? Can you help me, please?
    I have become very fond of these guys and I try to enlighten all those people who misunderstand these adorable animals.

    Forever Grateful,
    Tonia

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Animal needs veterinary help immediately.
      If you have a wildlife center near, go there. Otherwise go to a regular vet. When in doubt treat it like a cat.
      It’s very difficult for the public to raise wildlife as their needs are different than what you expect.
      Please get this baby medical attention right away.
      Good luck.
      P

  24. wildlifeluvR says:

    you say the MAJORITY of possums live outside. what percentage live inside in sweaters? what percentage live inside but are not clothed? how does one domesticate a possum?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hi WildlifeluvR,
      You don’t domesticate a possum. Possums will domesticate themselves if and when they feel like it.
      The P

  25. Chester the Blowfish says:

    Hi Pearl,

    I’ve been having trouble with my health lately, and am seeking new all natural remedies. Are the any potions or creations you can suggest that will boost both my mental and physical powers? I come to you humbly, understanding that your wisdom is great, and your spirit is strong.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Chester~
      It must be exhausting being a blowfish.
      Both your problem and solution have to do with breath.
      Breath easy, Chester.
      Breath slower, deeper, fuller.
      Meditate by getting very still and counting your exhalations and the rest of the answer will come to you.
      Also picking up a mineral imbalance. Triple your vegetable intake and BREATH.
      Pull power from the center of the earth.
      Pearl loves you.

  26. Pencil the Platypus says:

    Dear Pearl,

    Ask and you shall receive! A little birdy told me you were in the market for a magician with a pencil who draw you logos for you’re highly anticipated line of “Pearlwear” merchandise (spoiler alert… the birdys name is Bart)!!! While my talents have me living quite lavishly (for a platypus), for you Pearl, I humbly offer my service. Consider it a gift for all you do for the universe and all the creatures of the world. Cant wait to see what the future holds!!!

    Sincerely,
    Pencil

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Pencil,
      You Platypi all live lavishly, talented or otherwise.
      BART? No spoiler alert, here.
      It is true that my public has been hounding ME for Pearlwear. I’ve been thinking of a basic onesie design in all sizes for all species and only in gold or rainbow. All right, tweed, too. Naturally it will require a distinctive logo and gifting Pearl is good for you, like ginseng and bicycles.
      You know how labels usually tell us which side goes in? With Pearlwear it’s the opposite. Are you up to that, Pencil? Are you? Search your soul thoroughly and honestly before you answer because Pearl has no truck with the mediocre.
      Oh, I can tell you what the future holds. But I won’t.
      BART?
      Pearl the Impaler (just a little Halloween humor)

  27. Tek says:

    Hello, I found your video’s online and really enjoyed them. I have 3 non releasable’s and a Opossum Care and Rescue group on FaceBook has been great. Seems you are famous there and lots of people know you. Last night, Tosh.0 was awesome. Thanks for doing it, I’m sure you were leery and I hope Daniel was kind in real life. I think he’s funny for the most part and pushes buttons. Just wanted to say thanks for being a great ambassador for Possums and having the great humor needed for Tosh! Great JOB!

    Sid, Daisy and Puff all watch your video’s too.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hi Tek (funny),
      You understand. Was Soooooooo leery about doing TOSH but everyone on set was wonderful to me and Potato. Daniel Tosh is a sincere animal advocate so we hit it off. He actually snuggled Potato off screen. How lovely that you are caring for three non releasables. Best to Sid Daisy and Puff.
      Georgette, personal assistant to Pearl.

  28. Michael says:

    Hi Georgette,
    You are a beautiful and sincere woman and if you’re single would love to talk with you. I just happen to be flipping channels and saw you on Tosh and I was instantly smitten. You have my email, I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Michael.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      I might be willing to pimp out my human for the right price.
      Numbers, Michael, numbers.
      Pearl, Procurer to the stars, literally

  29. Box Buddies says:

    Dearest Pearl of infinite knowledge,
    A mysterious Christmas present has appeared in our dorm. We do not know which of us it is for, who it is from, or what is in it. Can you, oh mighty and all-knowing Pearl, answer for us any of these questions? Thank you for your squirrely knowledge.
    Love,
    Box Buddies

  30. Callie says:

    Dearest Pearl,
    I have an oposum killing tendency. My dad raised me to hate opposums and kill them any chance I get. I have killed 2 opossums with my car and can’t seem to stop my instincts from killing oposums. Any suggestions?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hi Callie,
      The fact that you are writing fills ME with hope and happiness. You may not even know you are serious about changing but Pearl knows and Pearl celebrates you. Possums are great for the environment and do no harm to anyone. Golden Rule, Callie, Golden Rule.
      The Omniscient Pearl welcomes you into your true nature.

  31. Emily says:

    Hello!
    I just have a few questions that I hope you could answer for me
    Have you had any alien encounters before?
    How many opossums do you have?
    Can opossums detect other things like Bigfoot?

  32. Jimbob says:

    Pearl,
    I was walking my dog yesterday and something very strange happened. I heard a voice calling to me from the nearby trees. It went: “hello…HELLO”. I looked and the only thing I could see was a squirrel. Do you think it was in trouble? This is not the first time a squirrel has talked to me before. I think I have a spiritual connection to squirrels. Please offer me some guidance in this trying time.
    xoxo,
    Jimbob

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hey Jimbob!
      So happy to welcome you into the family~
      When we’re in trouble we bark and chatter and leave no doubt.
      What you describe sounds more like a pleasant psychic connection. But now that you are ‘on the radar’ stay alert. You will likely be called into service. You have been chosen, Jimbob. It’s an honor and a responsibility and you are worthy. Praise ME.
      Pearl

  33. Annabelle says:

    Today, my best friend died. My dear squirrel, Apollo Hammy Jr. (Hams for short) passed on when my neighbors stupidly left some rat poison out. So I was devastated, and I want to make sure Hams got a good send off. Are there like, any squirrel burial rituals that you would recommend? How would you want to say goodbye to your best friend, Pearl?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      So sorry for your loss, Annabelle~
      We squirrels have a spiritual life other than what humans imagine.
      When I passed over my human buried me in a little white prayer scarf like a Buddhist monk.
      It was SO SILLY but I loved her for loving ME and wanting to honor ME somehow.
      In truth, Hams is with ME now experiencing a joyous freedom unlike any other. What is left for you
      is to celebrate the relationship that has passed. Gather those items that remind you of Hams. Write down
      what was special about your relationship and how it improved your life. Flowers and candles tend to feel good at
      these times. Invite a trusted friend to witness the ritual. This is effective with or without the body being present.
      The closure is for you, Annabelle, and it’s important that you have it. I’m sure that the spirit of Hams will show up to support you
      and if you are very still you will feel sweet warm squirrel breath on your neck. Otherwise Hams is doing just fine. Trust ME on this.
      Pearl loves you.

  34. Jillian says:

    Where can i buy your shirt? it saddens me that the link wasnt working!

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Jillian~
      I would give you the shirt off my back but I’m a squirrel and it wouldn’t fit you properly. We, too, are saddened by the lack of available merchandise.
      We grieve ensemble.
      Pearl Pleur

  35. Gregory says:

    …I soon confirmed my darkest suspicions. The squirrels, it appeared, often lived in trees. Now I knew the true reason behind the ‘tree-hugging’ liberal-pinko environmental movement. It wasn’t to save the world. It was to protect the squirrels.

    I stopped to pick up the campus paper. Sure enough, the liberal media had plastered a ‘cute’ picture of a squirrel onto the front page. I considered writing an angry letter to the editor. Then I realized that I was staring at a valuable clue. The squirrel was nibbling a piece of a leftover bagel on top of a Dumpster behind the dining hall.

    The bagels in our dining hall are terrible; if you fed one to a squirrel yourself you’d probably be charged with cruelty to animals. Yet this squirrel was voluntarily subjecting himself to a dining hall bagel, and a stale one with rancid cream cheese no less. Obviously, this animal had once had access to fresh, tasty bagels, and now yearned for them in vain. This was a New York City squirrel.
    Only one question remained in my mind. Why had the squirrels been moved from UN headquarters out on to campus? Clearly it couldn’t be a desire to prevent an uprising by college students when the plan went into action – even a squirrel could figure out that it would only take an airdrop of weed and Monty Python videos to quench our resistance.

  36. Matthew Adler says:

    Hello ME Pearl, I have enjoyed your lively videos since my sister shared them as a way of distracting ourselves from stubborn technical problems(I am an engineer and she is a chemist).

    We thought you might enjoy seeing this dog which adopted a orphaned opossum.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zbvIH9P-tE

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Thank you Matthew~
      Sweet link.
      I supervise these videos as a way of distracting myself from stubborn technical problems(I am an entrepreneurial squirrel).
      Welcome to Pearl’s Palliative

  37. Um, Bob says:

    SO, is time travel something we on this plane should pursue?
    Say, for whatever reason that your apartment is strewn with a dozen old microwave ovens, several industrial magnets and miles of power transmission grade copper cable that you found by the beach. Should someone in possession of these items continue build a time machine?

    Asking for a Friend

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hey, Um Bob~
      Sure, tell your friend to keep building his time machine. Secret ingredient; a liberal sprinkling of lug nuts.
      YOU, however, shouldn’t bother because time travel needn’t be labor intensive. Possums used to do it all the time but gave it up after discovering that nothing has changed in 70 Million years. It’s all a matter of perspective and spaghetti. Never underestimate the power of spaghetti. It will take you wherever you want to go. But remember; you’ve probably already been there.
      Your Pal,
      Prescient Pearl

  38. oysterthechipmunk says:

    Hello Pearl,
    I am feeling very discouraged by the current state of the world. People lie all the time, to the point where I can’t even tell what is true anymore. How can one see through all of the deceit within our society and become a vehicle for positive change?

    P.S. how can I get an Apple?

    Sincerely,
    an old friend

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Oyster,
      If you were truly a chipmunk you would not suffer so.
      Everything comes back to Mother Earth.
      Squirrels and chipmunks and all wildlife listen to Her, knowing that She never lies.
      She will be your source if you allow it.
      P.S. All out of Apples but there’s a Potato I could let you have for…?…let ME think on that.
      Sincerely,
      an old friend.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Oyster,
      If you were truly a chipmunk you would not suffer so.
      Everything comes back to Mother Earth.
      Squirrels and chipmunks and all wildlife listen to Her, knowing that She never lies.
      She will be your source if you allow it.
      P.S. All out of Apples but there’s a Potato I could let you have for…?…let ME think on that.
      Sincerely,
      an old friend.

  39. Black man says:

    I think you are on some awesome drugs. I love opossums too. I would be very interested in learning what you are on…and having a bit my self. You may think that this is a prank, but it is legibly on my birth certificate as black man. I greatly admire what you do and what you’re on. Thank you.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Black man,
      Squirrels don’t do drugs because well, think about it…Squirrels on meth would be redundant.
      Your Pal,
      Pearl

  40. maple ghondi says:

    Kindest regards delicate squirrel. My 3 opossi, the apples, which i have decided to name in honor of the pets of your earthly acquaintance Georgette, have begun to frantically run 6 times around my squirrel shrine at the sight of an unpeeled banana. I just want to give them a daily snack, but does this mean that the banana is satan? Should i peel the banana and then see what happens? or will thus release awakened spirits of evil? I know my opossi very well and they can sense danger in odd ways, and this really rustles my jimmies. just yesterday,my opossum Apple Martini took a banana off the counter and onto the floor, where my other opossum Granny Smith Apple jumped on top of the banana, smashing it with his feet (properly pedicured, of course). Last but very not least, my other opossum Apple Streusel joined the smashing. I am scared to feed them a banana, or even have bananas in my house. please help Me pearl.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      You and your Apples are very astute, Maple Ghondi~
      But your banana is but a spawn of Satan. The actual Satan is an ancient banana tree in Honduras. However, to be fair, there are good bananas and bad bananas and only the possum knows for sure. Rule of opposable thumb: Never put a banana in an Apple Martini.
      And now we’re off to rustle some jimmies of our own.
      Your Delicate Squirrel,
      Pearl

      • as i was scrolling through the comments as i do every week around this time, i came upon this comment. i venture to Honduras every two months to visit mi abuela, carolita beth. right outside her cottage is a banana tree. occasionally i will see a squirrel or other such tree-inhabiting animal fall dead. i thought this may be the circle of life, but it is odd that this happens often. is this the banana tree that is Satan that you speak of? i am very concerned and wonder if i should take mi abuela somewhereelse?

        • MEpearl MEpearl says:

          Let she who has tufted little ears, hear.
          Get the hell out of Honduras.
          Your Prophet of Doom,
          Pearlie Mae

  41. opossigalore334251 says:

    Dear MePearl,
    in your infinite wisdom and proper love of squirrels, i have faced an unfortunate debacle. it seems that my love is not for the human race, but the rodent race. i seek your heavenly advice beloved squirrel. do i act upon my love of opossums? or do i die alone and simply request to be buried with my furry companion, Lucifer?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Of course Pearl de Wisdom sees and knows all but, for the benefit of our readers, it’s important that you state your species. STATE YOUR SPECIES so we know how weird you are. If you’re an opossum there is really no problem unless you die first. Then Lucifer has a problem. But Pearl, in my infinite wisdom, knows you are a human which fills ME with compassion. Just how were you planning to “act upon” your love? Laws vary from state to state.
      Pearl of the Marsupial Police

  42. brownman says:

    I am very inspired by your work and I hope to one day be as enlightened as you are. Any suggestions to reach the knowledge that I seek? Thank you much love

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Brownman,
      Excellent question!
      Sadly you never will be as enlightened as ME. There can only be one ME Pearl. But be glad. This much enlightenment can be a crushing responsibility. Remember, ‘To whom much is given much will be however that phrase goes’. To continue evolving at the fastest rate possible, study nature. She will show you everything you need to know to best BE in the world.
      Pay particular close attention to squirrels. All creatures are created equal, except for squirrels. We’re better. It’s a simple fact. Let s/he who has tufted pointy little ears hear.
      The Big P, who loves you.

  43. A.M Zakelburg says:

    Dearest Pearl,
    My friends are not as enlightened as I am on your blessed teachings. How can I, futile juvenile Human Being transcend above all and reach Nirvana? How may I enrich my friends’ minds? When the Reptilians speak inside my head and I scream, alone, how can I protect myself?

    Praise Be,
    A.M Zakelburg.

  44. Ellen Dowling says:

    I recently lost a pet bird that was my best friend. Should I get more rats or explore a new kind of pet. Should I even have a pet? Am I the pet?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hello Ellen,
      I’m feelin’ ya, girl.
      Let’s think : For which type of animal can you provide an environment most closely approximating their natural habitat? Go with that one.

      The P

  45. Johnathon C says:

    Dear Pearl, My Opossum Otto is sick. His skin is completley white nose feet and tail. Nose is dry. He is also really weak and slow. He still eats but slowly. I was thinking a loss of blood from lack of something but what? Have you ever seen this before? I just dont know what to do. Please Help.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Otto needs professional medical help, Pronto.
      Look to ME for compassion, not medical consultation….Unless it’s for a human.
      I’m a medical intuitive when it come to humans.
      P.

  46. Scarlett says:

    Dear Pearl,
    Hello. I am a human who has owned 4 guinea pigs for over 5 years now. Recently, the oldest one, Luigi, passed away due to an illness that we couldn’t save him from. It has been sad for both me and the rest of his guinea pig friends. Do you have any guidance for getting through this difficult time?
    Thank you.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hello Scarlett!
      Luigi is with ME now just as you will be if you live the kind of life that will mold you into someone I find entertaining. Otherwise I don’t know where you’ll go.
      But Luigi is here adoring ME and It’s a happy situation. He does miss you but not as much as he misses the others of his own kind. He asks that you put on your best engineer’s thinking cap and construct a living area that will allow them a variety of enrichment opportunities.
      Swings and hutches and a large agility course plus indoor/outdoor pens.
      They would love being read to, either fiction or non fiction, as long as your heart is in it. Love the ones remaining with your best self and that self will get better and better and better. No questions, just trust ME. I’m not Pearl de Wisdom for nothin’.

  47. Fabio Twizzlesticks Montrice the 3rd says:

    Hello, lord of everything holy.
    My one question to you on this fine summer’s morn is one of great virtue. What should I eat for dinner?
    Thank you ever so,
    Fabio Montrice

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      First off, Fabio, I am LADY of All Things Holy and Otherwise.
      For dinner you should have spaghetti and Queen Anne cherries. This is always the default dinner so you need never be in this quandary again.
      In a pinch red cherries will do but strive for Queen Annes.
      You’re Welcome.
      Pearl of Everything

  48. Young Engineer says:

    Dear Pearl,
    I know you are a squirrel but your and georgettes materials online have reminded me how beautiful the Virginia possum is. Now I was already fond of squirrels because I would often hand feed them peanuts as a yoyng child but I have had fewer encounters with opossums.

    Georgette shares some good information about oppossums like their resistance to rabies due to the low body temperature. What is her opinion about the oppossum as a stopgap measure about preventing other diseases? Lime disease for instance as ticks are killed by oppossums. Other sicknesses can be cordened off by nature’s symbiotic relationships, Google (or remote view) mychorryzIA.

    Lastly while not much had changed over the past 70 million years there have been squirreles, there are a lot of bad drivers. What can be done about the difficulty animals have crossing the road? In some places communities dig tunnels to allow bears to cross under roads. There are small devices to whistle

  49. Young Engineer says:

    There are automobile devices which whistle and keep dear away. What behaviors that animals have that could be exploited so that they don’t spend as much time in the road. Mice walk against walls; so what behaviors do oppossums have?

  50. Hugh Wagner says:

    Hi MEpearl,

    What are we to do with our lives? Are we not destined to die, so why try anyways? Is our path through these woods preordained or can we truly control our direction? What is the meaning of it all?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      I’m glad you asked, Hugh.
      1. Be kind to squirrels.
      2. Be kind to every other living creature, especially yourself.
      3. Forget about being ‘well rounded’. Focus on your gifts, those things you do really well, and do that.
      4. Be kind to squirrels.
      Do these things and you will fall in love with life and with yourself and that’s what it’s all about.
      Destined to die? Well yes and no. Think of a squirrel doing somersaults; rolling under, die, rolling up, reborn, over and over and over. Take ME for example. I’ve incarnated numerous times until I found perfection as a squirrel and made my final ascension. But I’m kind of Bodhisattva, both ascended and remaining behind to give my beloveds the occasional push and keep them merrily rolling along. It’s all perfect except for one major glitch; the food chain. But be assured I am working on a system where no one has to kill to eat. Hope this gives you something to gnaw on.
      Pearl loves you~

  51. Lan dascotte says:

    I’m planning on getting a captive bred opossum as a pet what do you do to care for opossums as far as diet goes?

  52. Helen Baxter says:

    My opossum is going out on her first date with a friend’s opossum and is nervous about accessorizing. How can we bring out her golden brown eyes and sparkling personality? Thanks for your time, Jeffrina Kelby Baxter (my baby girl) thanks you too.

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hello Helen,
      While we would love to help you accessorize for a first date, something in your post takes precedence.
      If Jeffrina Kelby Baxter has golden brown eyes, she’s not an opossum. You now have a lot to think about so I’ll leave you to it.
      Pearl, the all-pervasive Voice of Everything

  53. Aleks Frankert says:

    Hello, I am a college freshman and wanted some tips for a successful year. Thanks!

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Well Aleks, you have come to right source for inspiration and wisdom. Although I am, personally, an autodidact, I appreciate higher education with all of my little jack hammer heart.
      Most college campuses have squirrels and most well meaning students feed them junk. Don’t let this be you. Tip one: de-shelled walnuts. Feed gingerly because your thumb resembles a walnut and you can’t blame them for a mishap.
      Also, your brain resembles a walnut encased in your skull shell. Think about it. Ancient warriors used to eat the brains of respected fallen foes in order to become smarter. You are bound to run into very smart professors at college. You can either spend years studying with these scholars or you can simply eat their brains. The choice is yours. Thank you for coming to ME with your concerns. I trust you’ve not been disappointed.
      Your Mentor, Pearl

  54. Canal Gaia says:

    Most Honorably Revered MEPearl,
    Your large pink human channel embodies such a unique combination of beauty, coyness and yet grace that it leaves me stupefied with attraction and unable to fully absorb your transcendent wisdom. I must confess I have even allowed myself to believe at times that the wisdom may come from her rather than you. What, besides a cold shower, might help me overcome this distraction?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hey C G~
      Big Pink is a disappointing human. Even so, she’s MINE. And you don’t want to mess with an enlightened squirrel!

  55. Marty Deizak says:

    Hi,
    I was wondering how I should help a squirrel for came to me and I saw that it was injured in its leg. I don’t know how to care for it well please help.
    Thanks!

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Hi Marty,
      Lovely question. Rule of thumb: If you can’t catch it, it can probably get by on it’s own.
      If you do catch it and there is an injury, don’t hesitate to go to a veterinarian or wildlife center.
      We squirrels are complex creatures, physically and psychologically. We require highly specialized care. Please leave the helping to those who know how.
      However, Marty, for being such a mench, Pearl has just expunged your most embarrassing memory from your permanent record. You’re welcome.

  56. Yung Foxtrot says:

    I am profoundly disturbed by the youtube video I just say. Not only that but my mind just simply cannot comprehend how pearl communicates with her followers could you enlighten me as to how this process comes to pass?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      I would, my dear Yung Foxtrot, but, as you so wisely say, yourself, ‘You simply cannot comprehend it.’
      P de W

  57. 赛百味 says:

    Pearl,

    My friends and I are terrified by the clown attacks rising in our area. What can we do? Is this a punishment?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Dear Blondy, Even at the beat of times clowns are no laughing matter. But clowns gone bad are a bane forever. To even question if this is a punishment suggests that, at some time in your life, you have been guilty of clown abuse. Have you and your friends ever bullied a clown? Perhaps a baby clown who has grown up and is out for vengeance.
      To express remorse and solidarity you might start wearing vastly oversized shoes and a fright wig. Perhaps you and all of your friends could ride about town jammed into a Mini Cooper. You might jump out at people and beat them about the head and neck with a rubber chicken or squirt seltzer down their pants. If you follow these instructions you will begin to see clown attacks in a whole new light, almost like a sporting event. BECOME WHAT YOU FEAR. Pearl de Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever might go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice. Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.

  58. Phil Taylor says:

    Pearl
    I have been watching your videos for quite some time now. I have a newfound love for opossums everywhere, especially Potato. I pray to potato every night, he is like a god to me. I wanted to ask you about my opossum, Jason Funderberger. He has been acting rather oddly. When in the presence of a female opossum, He will wiggle his tail excitedly, and I’m not quite sure if it is in a sexual way. Is the movement of the tail a sign of sexual frustration? I have caught Jason on multiple occasions making love to household objects, in particular the floral arrangements on my mantelpiece, but he is never getting the satisfaction he seems to desire. I am aware one day he may need a female opossum to love and insert his cute little possum-penis in, but I am hesitant to buy one in case they reproduce (as much as I love these furry creatures, my small household simply can’t handle more than two opossums). What do I do? I can’t let my Jason fall victim to his unfulfilled sexual desires, but I don’t think I can handle opossum babies! Some of my ideas have been constructing opossum protection out of dead sheep intestines but that may cause infection in the female opossum. It is getting bad I have a terrible feeling my opossum may start self harming. Please help!!!

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      !

      Hi Phil,
      The behavior you describe is known as slimeing and possums seem to enjoy it. Not a problem. Like domestic companion animals, it is often best to neuter a non releasable opossum for their comfort and safety. Mr. Funderberger will probably continue to slime and that’s fine. Please do NOT get a female possum. Nature may force them to mate, an activity which is often painful and violent. Possums born and raised in captivity have no idea how to fend for themselves and cannot be safely released. Although possums have bifurcated penises, the removal of the testicles is as simple a procedure as neutering a cat. I appreciate your concern for Jason. BTW, don’t expect much from praying to Potato. Pray, instead, to the ascended squirrel, ME.
      Pearl, Provider of all that’s Pertinent

  59. Lee Pivnik says:

    Hi Pearl,

    I have found so much love and joy in your website and am wondering how I can help inspire similar feelings in people around the world who feel disconnected to nature. I’m an artist looking to inspire an ecologically-centered paradigm shift. Is there any advice you can give me with your infinite wisdom?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Big Thank you, Pivnik. What kind of artist are you? What is your art? Your vision is strong and clear but ‘The Devil’s in the details.’.
      Make your art uniquely you. Don’t copy anyone. Say what you have to say in your own style. You can’t please everyone so don’t even try. You want to please ME, of course, and then yourself. Don’t be mean. That’s easy and cheap and spoils what could have been beautiful. Remember “Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all Ye know on earth and all Ye need to know”.
      Pearl, Priestess of the Pontificat

  60. Neely O'Hara says:

    Oh great Pearl –
    I found an opossum in my crawlspace this Halloween. I caught him and released him in a nearby park, but he did not seem pleased. My questions are 1) How small a gap can a possum slip through? I haven’t figured out how he got in! 2) Is a Halloween opossum an indicator of the supernatural? 3) How do I get the back rent he owes me?
    Thank you for your wisdom!

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Greetings, Neely O’Hara~
      Let’s start with the issue of back rent. Quite possibly your home has been in the possum’s family for generations which begs the question ‘Who owes who rent?’
      Every opossum, Halloween and otherwise, is an indicator of the supernatural. Make sure there aren’t more caught in the crawl space then close it off. Bad things happen to animals trying to live in a building’s infrastructure. Thank you for caring.
      Your Pal Pearl

  61. Cris says:

    Dear Pearl, I bring good news!
    Over two years ago I asked you for advice; I used to get ignored anytime I would open my mouth. It seemed like nobody could hear me, or no one cared enough to listen. But you came to me during my time of need, telling me to get quieter and embrace pith. AND IT WORKED. I’m a much quieter person now, but anytime I speak people really listen to me. I actually feel important, almost like a different person. It’s incredible, I’ve grown so much in such a short amount of time and it’s all thanks to you. I really appreciate it Pearl, you truly are wise. I pray that one day I may become as wise as you and spread your knowledge to the masses, to help all those in need.
    Much love <3
    Cris

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      Good news, indeed, Cris! You delight ME. If only more of your kind would EMBRACE PITH.
      Now, you will never become as wise as ME, so let that go and pick up some spaghetti. Yes, spaghetti.
      Many do not realize the immense healing properties of spaghetti. You can eat it, play with it, and best of all, make art with it.
      Now that you are important you are ready for spaghetti art. Trust me. Go deep and bring your secrets into the light. Go wild. Send images. Pearl loves you.

  62. AXie says:

    Please help us! I am a lover of all things Duke. On our campus we have a great many squirrels that roam wild and free. Some are a bit vicious but that is a story for another day… Anyways the University is getting a new president and we want to see if the squirrels have nature wisdom about who it might be. We must have a president who will be friendly to them. Please help!

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      It pains ME to say this but a little intimidation goes a long way. Time to enlist the vicious squirrels. Think of them as warriors.
      And please spread the word to stop feeding the squirrels. Since that won’t work at least limit the types of food to raw nuts and produce.
      Otherwise you are causing illnesses and overpopulation that will end badly for the squirrels whoever your president may be.

ASK PEARL