ASK PEARL

Posted By: Admin on April 6, 2010 in - Comments: 483 Comments »

 

Let ME Explain!

 

THIS is where you have the opportunity to find the *truth from ME, Pearl of Wisdom!

* or a facsimile thereof (because, Mesdames et Messieurs, YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. ha hahaha hee hee ..hic hic hic, Pearl of Wisdom is sooo funny!)

Pearl of Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice.

Please note that your personal privacy is of no interest to Pearl.

Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.

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483 Blessed Comments

  1. Fabula Zenobia says:

    I’m afraid the Illuminati is going to take my opossum. I am worried that the government is working with the aliens because my opossum has been acting weird and I believe it is because he is sensing something. The Illuminati has been big with the teenagers of this generation and I’m scared they will take my opossum because I know he knows something. How can I protect my opossum, so it can in turn protect me?

  2. bryn martin says:

    hi lord of the squirrels, pearl. i have had bad luck with relationships forever…..will i get a boyfriend this month? will give 7 acorn 4 ur response. thx.
    bryn

  3. Fabula Zenobia says:

    Is there any way that I and my friend can meet you, perhaps over videochat? I am very intrigued by you and I want to see if you are real and not a deity.

    • MEpearl says:

      Hey Fab,
      I, ME Pearl, am an ascended squirrel currently residing in a galaxy far far away so, whereas the idea of a videochat is kinda sweet and all, the true logistics would cause exploding brains all over the universe and I don’t think you want that.
      Best be pleased with the contact we have. It’s already well beyond mind boggling, Yes? Yes!
      Time to revisit the last line of Mrs. Skeffington.
      Whisker Brush~
      Pearl

  4. lily says:

    Hello ME pearl,
    I am 11 years old and I think your videos are very cute and funny. I (like many other kids my age) want to be an artist when I grow up but it is hard to make a good career out of it so what do you think would make my art unique?

    • MEpearl says:

      What IS your art, Lily? Do you Paint? Draw? Sculpt? Do animation? Sing? Dance? Write novels or poems or lyrics? Perform? Design homes or clothing or jewelry? Walk the high wire? Play the piano or banjo or accordion? Make Proper Possum Care videos? Decorate Cakes? Yodel?
      Once we know what your art is, Lily, then we can make it unique.
      For a human, 11 years is a fine age to figure out your gifts and ambitions. For a squirrel, we handle it at about 4 months.
      Good Luck, Lily~
      Get back to ME.
      Your Pal, Pearl

  5. Nikay says:

    Dearest Mother Pearl,

    I am suffering from hyperthyroid disorder–my thyroid acts in a way that is not pleasing to my mind nor my bowels. My “doctor” (I don’t believe in modern medicine) tells me I need to be cut open and have it ripped from my flesh, but I don’t believe her. Instead, I come to you, great Pearl, for your wisdom and advice. What path must I take? Hasten in your response, please, the thyroid is getting to be unbearable.

    En omnia perotis,
    N

    • MEpearl says:

      Dear Nikay~
      First, do not panic. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Worst case scenario is that you come visit ME for a few weeks while you figure out your next move. SO MANY OPTIONS and I’m the best hostess ever. Lots of nut souffles and hickory daiquiris.
      However, if you are not yet ready for your transition you may just have to let Missy Doctor cut you open and rip that gland from your flesh. You have “doctor” in quotes. Does that mean she just plays one on TV? Then, no, don’t let her do it.
      My family always knew how to heal everything naturally, with Mother Nature. Then I had this terrible accident as a baby and would have died of fever if this big pink human hadn’t scooped me up and and raced me off to her own Missy Doctor who cut off my leg. I loved my leg but to leave it attached would have ruined everything.
      At first it was hard to learn to live with a missing part but I did it. You can do it. If they give you a choice have them remove your leg instead. I have a whole bunch of tips to share on how to get through that. But they probably won’t.
      Most of us, including ME, believe that if our mind is just strong enough or pure enough or laser focused enough, we can think our way well. But I couldn’t do it and I’m PEARL for Pearl’s sake.
      Of course all that was before I became a megalomaniac and took over the operation of the Universe. You are right to look to ME for salvation but think beyond the one small Gilmore Girl loving body you currently possess. Meanwhile, stay away from seafood as presumably they have always extended you the same courtesy.
      Keep processing, Nikay~
      Pearl LOVES you.
      Keep the Faith.

  6. Brippy Dingle says:

    Hi – we are wondering when did you first realize you were an ascended squirrel? At birth? Also, as a huge rodent fan myself, how do you acquire your opossums? And where? And when? And why?

    xoxo
    Brippy Dingle

    • Brippy Dingle says:

      Hi perfect Pear,
      we have been checking your website awaiting a response every day and our souls have been crushed thus far :(
      we really wish to hear from you
      you are a goddess and we are your biggest fans

      • MEpearl says:

        Please accept a rare apology from ME, Pearl. Your reply has somehow dematerialized and so, here again are your questions and my wise response.
        “Hi – we are wondering when did you first realize you were an ascended squirrel? At birth? Also, as a huge rodent fan myself, how do you acquire your opossums? And where? And when? And why?”
        I realized that I was an ascended squirrel when I became one, at death. One can’t ascend at birth or there is no life at all and LIFE must not be wasted.
        Do you mean you are a huge fan or a fan of huge rodents? Either way, as the quintessential rodent, Brava.
        Possums, on the other paw, are marsupials and entirely the domain of my pet human, Georgette. Where she gets them is a mystery. I suspect there’s an active black market for possums somewhere. Personally I think a ‘Proper Alpaca Care’ series would be more interesting.
        Keep connected, Noodles.
        Pearl Loves You!

  7. sabcine says:

    Why isn’t your shop working? I would like to buy them “tacky” shirts

    • MEpearl says:

      New store is being set up even as we type. Tacky t-shirts are just the beginning.
      Keep the faith!
      This WILL happen, unless it doesn’t.
      But it WILL.

  8. Eliav says:

    I am a student at college, and I have reached a spiritual crossroad. Lightly I have been questioning my identity, do I follow the path that I have started on, or do I forge a new path into uncharted, and even dangerous territory? I await your guidance.

    Thank you, you provide me with hope.

    • MEpearl says:

      Why do either when I can provide you with a ducky little cult right here?
      Have you not been paying attention?
      ME, here, now, it’s so simple. You are already home, Eliav. Welcome.
      And “lightly” is exactly how you should be questioning your identity.
      Pearl, purveyor oF all spiritual wisdom and grace and other stuff~

  9. carina says:

    hi pearl,,,,,

    i am a big fan of your videos but i am afraid that my dog is turning into an opossum. over the last few months his snout has gotten abnormally large and he seems he to be growing finer, straighter hair much like the hair of an opossum. his legs have also decreased in size and he has gained much weight and has become very short and stubby,,,, should i be worried? please respond pearl,,,,,you are my only hope to figure out this satanic situation

    much love,
    carina

  10. Taylor says:

    Hi Pearl, I just had a few questions for you. Do you find that Georgette does an adequate job speaking on your behalf? What made you choose her as your pet human? Also, do you have any idea on what the future holds for human kind as a whole?
    Thank you for your time, Pearl.

    • MEpearl says:

      Good question, Taylor!
      Georgette is an imbecile!!!
      I sent out a call and she was the only one who heard it. There must be a channel into the human world for ME, so being a pragmatist, I took what was there. Am always on the look-out for a better one.
      The future of human kind depends entirely on respecting your mother. Gaia. Those who do must prevail over those who don’t.
      Watch the wildlife. We understand.
      Pearl, who appreciates getting straight to the point along with a nice plate of spaghetti now and again.

  11. Skippy and Moonpie says:

    Dearest Pearl de Wisdom,
    We are going off to college soon and we don’t know what direction our lives should be going in. Could you offer any sage squirrel advice on how to move on to bigger and better things?
    Much love,
    Skippy McTuggins and Moonpie Pip

  12. Spencer says:

    Dear ME Pearl,

    I worried that my oppossum is already dead. It has been playing dead for several months now. I have been told that Oppossum’s often play dead but it hasn’t moved in a long time. I’m losing hope. Please help.

    Sincerely,
    ObsessedwithOppossums

  13. #tybg says:

    Dear Pearl,
    Do you know why humans have middle names? Do you have a middle name? If so, what is it? Thank you for your time in helping with this obviously important question.
    All my love,
    #tybg

    • MEpearl says:

      Hi #tybg,
      Think it’s because most humans are commitment phobic.
      My middle name is Mae.Commitment phobe human gave it to me. Pearlie Mae de Wisdon. What about you, #tybg? Have you a middle symbol?
      Your ME Pearl

  14. L says:

    Do you know about the Great Tim Tooten?

  15. Malone says:

    Was Georgette Spelvin a porn star?

  16. Jim says:

    hi pearl,
    I think the squirrels in my lawn are plotting to take my house over. When I pull in my driveway they will be congregated around the tree closest to my lawn, but when they see me they all disperse. I think it’s because they don’t want me to hear their plans? please help pearl I am very concerned.

    • MEpearl says:

      Hey, Jim~
      If your suspicions are correct you might just as well move out now and find another place to live.
      Unless, of course, you can share with wildlife but so few humans are able to do that.
      Save yourself a lot of grief and just give it to them. Although why they would prefer your house over a genuine, grow-out-of-the-ground tree is a mystery.
      People, if you are having trouble with squirrels, I am not your best source of succor. Think about it.
      Even so, Pearl loves you. All of you (with only a few exceptions and you can guess who you are).

  17. Madimoo says:

    I have just been blessed with raising a baby opossum (that will eventually be an educational outreach possum) that has lost one of its eyes. I feel like she now has trust issues because of this. Do you have any advice for making my opossum trust me? Also, we originally thought baby possum was a boy, but now we think it’s girl. We’ve already named it Bruce. Any questions about how we should approach Bruce on the issue of telling him ‘he” is actually a “she”? I am a firm believer of the fluidity of gender identity, but I’d like advice on how to approach the subject with the utmost sensitivity.
    Your most devoted follower,
    -BrucetheOne-EyedPossum

    • MEpearl says:

      Congratulations Madimoo. You are, indeed, blessed to have an opossum.
      You will gain her trust by engaging exclusively in trustworthy behaviors.
      You are funny to presume that Bruce needs you to explain her gender. The hubris of humans never ceases to astonish.
      This is a rare gift, Madimoo. Observe her and serve her and you will grow wise.
      Pearl, who knows just EVERYTHING about being wise

  18. Nate says:

    hello,

    Will I ever be an apostle of pearl?

    • MEpearl says:

      Hello Nate~
      Your question is so promising.
      Depends if you’re willing to wear the costume. We lose many initiates that way. Do you suffer from FEP, furry ear phobia? If not, and your heart is pure, then your chances are excellent.
      Pearl, the Beloved

  19. YOUpearl says:

    Dear pearl my opossum has been threatening to take out life insurance on me for the past several months and I’m starting to grow worried of the intent. Is this a bluff or should I be concerned?

    • MEpearl says:

      Threatening for several months and you’re just now starting to worry?
      Psychic Pearl sees a Darwin Award in your future.
      DUCK!
      Just kidding~
      P

  20. Sofi says:

    Are you a Lauren Bacall fan?

  21. Jaedeite says:

    May I ask what does Pearl think of Pearl from Steven Universe? Because when I was first linked to this blog, I thought it was going to be an ask blog about that cartoon character so now I’m curious. Also you are really great. O:

    • MEpearl says:

      Thank you for the introduction, Jaedeite~
      Pearl de Wisdom feels connected at soul level with every other creature named Pearl.
      What do you think?
      The BIG P

  22. Possum says:

    Me Pearl,
    Can you make a video about proper opossum accessorizing? I want to know how to deck out my possum for any social function?
    All my love.

    • MEpearl says:

      Fine idea, stay tuned.
      Meanwhile, you can never go wrong with basic black and PEARLs.

      Pearl, Fashion Adviser to the literal stars.

  23. Tonia bartley says:

    Hi Ms. Pearl,
    I hope you can help me. About 30 days ago, I was blessed with two baby possums ( their mama forgot them). I calculate they were around 7 weeks old. I was hoping to get them big enough to return to the wild.

    But one of my babies has started acting unhealthy. She was quite a bit smaller than her sibling when I found them. She is having trouble walking now. And seems to be getting weaker though she still eats. I am so worried I have done something wrong. I have researched everything possum. Have you ever encountered this problem? Can you help me, please?
    I have become very fond of these guys and I try to enlighten all those people who misunderstand these adorable animals.

    Forever Grateful,
    Tonia

    • MEpearl says:

      Animal needs veterinary help immediately.
      If you have a wildlife center near, go there. Otherwise go to a regular vet. When in doubt treat it like a cat.
      It’s very difficult for the public to raise wildlife as their needs are different than what you expect.
      Please get this baby medical attention right away.
      Good luck.
      P

  24. wildlifeluvR says:

    you say the MAJORITY of possums live outside. what percentage live inside in sweaters? what percentage live inside but are not clothed? how does one domesticate a possum?

    • MEpearl says:

      Hi WildlifeluvR,
      You don’t domesticate a possum. Possums will domesticate themselves if and when they feel like it.
      The P

  25. Chester the Blowfish says:

    Hi Pearl,

    I’ve been having trouble with my health lately, and am seeking new all natural remedies. Are the any potions or creations you can suggest that will boost both my mental and physical powers? I come to you humbly, understanding that your wisdom is great, and your spirit is strong.

    • MEpearl says:

      Dear Chester~
      It must be exhausting being a blowfish.
      Both your problem and solution have to do with breath.
      Breath easy, Chester.
      Breath slower, deeper, fuller.
      Meditate by getting very still and counting your exhalations and the rest of the answer will come to you.
      Also picking up a mineral imbalance. Triple your vegetable intake and BREATH.
      Pull power from the center of the earth.
      Pearl loves you.

  26. Pencil the Platypus says:

    Dear Pearl,

    Ask and you shall receive! A little birdy told me you were in the market for a magician with a pencil who draw you logos for you’re highly anticipated line of “Pearlwear” merchandise (spoiler alert… the birdys name is Bart)!!! While my talents have me living quite lavishly (for a platypus), for you Pearl, I humbly offer my service. Consider it a gift for all you do for the universe and all the creatures of the world. Cant wait to see what the future holds!!!

    Sincerely,
    Pencil

    • MEpearl says:

      Dear Pencil,
      You Platypi all live lavishly, talented or otherwise.
      BART? No spoiler alert, here.
      It is true that my public has been hounding ME for Pearlwear. I’ve been thinking of a basic onesie design in all sizes for all species and only in gold or rainbow. All right, tweed, too. Naturally it will require a distinctive logo and gifting Pearl is good for you, like ginseng and bicycles.
      You know how labels usually tell us which side goes in? With Pearlwear it’s the opposite. Are you up to that, Pencil? Are you? Search your soul thoroughly and honestly before you answer because Pearl has no truck with the mediocre.
      Oh, I can tell you what the future holds. But I won’t.
      BART?
      Pearl the Impaler (just a little Halloween humor)

  27. Tek says:

    Hello, I found your video’s online and really enjoyed them. I have 3 non releasable’s and a Opossum Care and Rescue group on FaceBook has been great. Seems you are famous there and lots of people know you. Last night, Tosh.0 was awesome. Thanks for doing it, I’m sure you were leery and I hope Daniel was kind in real life. I think he’s funny for the most part and pushes buttons. Just wanted to say thanks for being a great ambassador for Possums and having the great humor needed for Tosh! Great JOB!

    Sid, Daisy and Puff all watch your video’s too.

    • MEpearl says:

      Hi Tek (funny),
      You understand. Was Soooooooo leery about doing TOSH but everyone on set was wonderful to me and Potato. Daniel Tosh is a sincere animal advocate so we hit it off. He actually snuggled Potato off screen. How lovely that you are caring for three non releasables. Best to Sid Daisy and Puff.
      Georgette, personal assistant to Pearl.

  28. Michael says:

    Hi Georgette,
    You are a beautiful and sincere woman and if you’re single would love to talk with you. I just happen to be flipping channels and saw you on Tosh and I was instantly smitten. You have my email, I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Michael.

    • MEpearl says:

      I might be willing to pimp out my human for the right price.
      Numbers, Michael, numbers.
      Pearl, Procurer to the stars, literally

  29. Box Buddies says:

    Dearest Pearl of infinite knowledge,
    A mysterious Christmas present has appeared in our dorm. We do not know which of us it is for, who it is from, or what is in it. Can you, oh mighty and all-knowing Pearl, answer for us any of these questions? Thank you for your squirrely knowledge.
    Love,
    Box Buddies

  30. Callie says:

    Dearest Pearl,
    I have an oposum killing tendency. My dad raised me to hate opposums and kill them any chance I get. I have killed 2 opossums with my car and can’t seem to stop my instincts from killing oposums. Any suggestions?

    • MEpearl says:

      Hi Callie,
      The fact that you are writing fills ME with hope and happiness. You may not even know you are serious about changing but Pearl knows and Pearl celebrates you. Possums are great for the environment and do no harm to anyone. Golden Rule, Callie, Golden Rule.
      The Omniscient Pearl welcomes you into your true nature.

  31. Emily says:

    Hello!
    I just have a few questions that I hope you could answer for me
    Have you had any alien encounters before?
    How many opossums do you have?
    Can opossums detect other things like Bigfoot?

  32. Jimbob says:

    Pearl,
    I was walking my dog yesterday and something very strange happened. I heard a voice calling to me from the nearby trees. It went: “hello…HELLO”. I looked and the only thing I could see was a squirrel. Do you think it was in trouble? This is not the first time a squirrel has talked to me before. I think I have a spiritual connection to squirrels. Please offer me some guidance in this trying time.
    xoxo,
    Jimbob

    • MEpearl says:

      Hey Jimbob!
      So happy to welcome you into the family~
      When we’re in trouble we bark and chatter and leave no doubt.
      What you describe sounds more like a pleasant psychic connection. But now that you are ‘on the radar’ stay alert. You will likely be called into service. You have been chosen, Jimbob. It’s an honor and a responsibility and you are worthy. Praise ME.
      Pearl

  33. Annabelle says:

    Today, my best friend died. My dear squirrel, Apollo Hammy Jr. (Hams for short) passed on when my neighbors stupidly left some rat poison out. So I was devastated, and I want to make sure Hams got a good send off. Are there like, any squirrel burial rituals that you would recommend? How would you want to say goodbye to your best friend, Pearl?

    • MEpearl says:

      So sorry for your loss, Annabelle~
      We squirrels have a spiritual life other than what humans imagine.
      When I passed over my human buried me in a little white prayer scarf like a Buddhist monk.
      It was SO SILLY but I loved her for loving ME and wanting to honor ME somehow.
      In truth, Hams is with ME now experiencing a joyous freedom unlike any other. What is left for you
      is to celebrate the relationship that has passed. Gather those items that remind you of Hams. Write down
      what was special about your relationship and how it improved your life. Flowers and candles tend to feel good at
      these times. Invite a trusted friend to witness the ritual. This is effective with or without the body being present.
      The closure is for you, Annabelle, and it’s important that you have it. I’m sure that the spirit of Hams will show up to support you
      and if you are very still you will feel sweet warm squirrel breath on your neck. Otherwise Hams is doing just fine. Trust ME on this.
      Pearl loves you.

  34. Jillian says:

    Where can i buy your shirt? it saddens me that the link wasnt working!

    • MEpearl says:

      Jillian~
      I would give you the shirt off my back but I’m a squirrel and it wouldn’t fit you properly. We, too, are saddened by the lack of available merchandise.
      We grieve ensemble.
      Pearl Pleur

  35. Gregory says:

    The squirrels were my first suspects, of course. I’d known that the campus squirrels were evil ever since an incident in 1998 in which two dead baby squirrels turned up on my friend Carol’s balcony. I don’t know why the squirrels would send Carol such a gruesome warning. She denies being involved in any acorn smuggling. Whatever the reason, though, it was clear that a species that would sacrifice its own children to terrify its enemies was a force to be reckoned with. More than that, they were obviously no mere rodents, as science would have us believe. I realized that biologists at many major universities must be in league with these squirrels, covering up for their evil intelligence by putting them in the same class as Mickey Mouse.

    And speaking of Mickey Mouse, why would Disney portray these horrible creatures as ‘cute’ to our children in films like Bambi? Did the liberal media have some kind of stake in the squirrels’ dastardly plot? I decided to cut class and wander the campus, looking for more clues.

    I soon confirmed my darkest suspicions. The squirrels, it appeared, often lived in trees. Now I knew the true reason behind the ‘tree-hugging’ liberal-pinko environmental movement. It wasn’t to save the world. It was to protect the squirrels.

    What’s more, I observed that all the squirrels populating our campus were grey. At first this puzzled me, since the squirrels ought to have a vested interest in looking cute and pretty to human eyes. They should be fluffy and white, or have cow spots. Obviously, the color grey had some hidden meaning.

    Perhaps it was a sign of allegiance. Could the squirrels be remnants of a Confederate army, poised to help the South rise again? I toyed with the idea before remembering that rednecks ate squirrels. Such an alliance was clearly impossible.

    Then I remembered that UFO and close-encounter investigators often referred to X-files style noseless aliens as ‘greys’. The light dawned. Aliens were controlling the squirrel agenda! But what agenda? I was no closer to discovering this than ever, and feared that I might never know. They were being demonically clever.

    I stopped to pick up the campus paper. Sure enough, the liberal media had plastered a ‘cute’ picture of a squirrel onto the front page. I considered writing an angry letter to the editor. Then I realized that I was staring at a valuable clue. The squirrel was nibbling a piece of a leftover bagel on top of a Dumpster behind the dining hall.

    The bagels in our dining hall are terrible; if you fed one to a squirrel yourself you’d probably be charged with cruelty to animals. Yet this squirrel was voluntarily subjecting himself to a dining hall bagel, and a stale one with rancid cream cheese no less. Obviously, this animal had once had access to fresh, tasty bagels, and now yearned for them in vain. This was a New York City squirrel.

    A squirrel from New York City – the home of the United Nations!

    Things were becoming plain now. Clearly, these squirrels had been trained by the aliens and then sent to New York to assist the UN in their well-documented plans to take over America and form a New World Order. What the UN didn’t realize was that the squirrels and the aliens would no doubt soon turn on them and seize power, placing the whole world under rodent dominion.

    Only one question remained in my mind. Why had the squirrels been moved from UN headquarters out on to campus? Clearly it couldn’t be a desire to prevent an uprising by college students when the plan went into action – even a squirrel could figure out that it would only take an airdrop of weed and Monty Python videos to quench our resistance.

    A squirrel scampered up the brick siding of the Administration building. Somewhere on the third floor, someone had scattered sunflower seeds on the windowsill, which the squirrel began to eat.

    Of course. Clever and powerful though the squirrels and their allies are, they could do nothing without money. And do any of us really know where all of our tuition money goes? It’s sure as hell not being used to get high-quality bagels for the dining hall.

    Ah, the inhumanity of it all. We, the young people of this brave and freedom-loving land, are inadvertently funding evil aliens with our parents’ money and our federal grants and the sweat of our work-study. The aliens are using the squirrels to assist them in their plan to take over the world. The media, the scientific establishment, and the environmental movement are all in league with them.

    I returned to my dorm in a cold sweat. What could I do? Who could I turn to, with all of our major institutions already corrupted? I heard a menacing chatter, and turned. To my horror, a squirrel was clinging to the ivy outside my window. They were already on to me. Only by taking the most drastic actions could I hope to survive. I needed to get out of their reach and defend myself until the world could be made to see the terror that was confronting it.

    And that, Your Honor, is how I ended up in the clock tower with a squirrel gun.

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