Herstory

 

Baby ME

  Once upon a time, there was a wild squirrel named CHCK CHK CHCK, who gave birth to ME, chk. I was a spring baby.

The first time out of the nest, wouldn’t ya know, something really bad happened to my back leg and CHK CHK CHK took me to this House of Nuts she knew and barked and barked and banged on the window until a weird witchy hermit came out and just scooped ME off the fence. It was shock at first sight.

Something called ‘bonding’ happens. I don’t like it. You don’t like it. It’s demeaning, but it happens. So the big pink weird witchy hermit, who shall henceforth be known as Pink Mama, or PM, wrapped ME up and delivered ME to a gas mask and, when I got back to the Nut House, the dangling mangled mess that had been my leg was gone.

Quelle douleur. Quelle souffrance
Pearl knows pain. Wisdom does not come easy, my fans.

Once my socket was healed, PM tried repeatedly and zealously to return ME to CHK CHK CHK, who still came around for the free nuts. But nope, nothin’ doin’. “Yours now, lady. Pass the pecans”. My natural mother was not a sentimentalist.

So PM tried repeatedly to pass ME off to other humans who cared for ’special’ squirrels. They tried. But nope, nothin’ doin’. I refused to thrive, by cracky. So PM took ME back and started believing that I loved her. Ha ha hahaha. My unnatural mother IS a sentimentalist .
She named ME Pearl.
Word to the wise~ Don’t name anything you don’t want. To name it is to tame it.

PM is forced to learn A LOT about looking after squirrels and get a license. There are squirrel protective services who come around to check. I kid you not. I think of them as the ill eagles who swoop down to make sure PM is not dressing ME inappropriately.

O.K., yada yada yada, time goes by, bored bored bored…

AND THEN First Love;
a brief sally into the demimonde with a squirrel named Stockton DuPres, but, alas, he turned out to be gay.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Then came Sam. Love of my life, Sam ‘the teeth’ (see Pearl’s Pals). He was an Eastern Gray with ties to Sicily and serious ‘family connections’, if you get my drift.
Our PM’s became co-dependent out of self protection. You can purchase Sam’s mom’s Squirrel Ranch Spreads through the GIFTS page of this site. And, as always, you can donate to ME by clicking any one of the beautiful buttons provided for this purpose. But I digress…

Sam and I were fated to never meet on the earthly plane although our incendiary love letters are soon to be self-published.
It’s different here. We met up and jumped the broom, then served it at the reception. Sam’s over the ledge now, pitching popcorn at the dog.

              Gottcha!

 We spend most nights at home, gnawing scrabble and making plans to expedite a visit from the in-laws.
They don’t respond to simple invitations because changing planes is “too inconvenient”. They have “too much to do first” and nyah nyah nyah. So we’re surprising them by subsidizing the trip.

to be cont…

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17 Blessed Comments

  1. Vesper says:

    How did I not find this site sooner?? My new favorite thing! I will try to think of a life question not already answered by Pearl. Hmmm…

  2. Holly says:

    Just discovered your vids over on youtube and commented (SixtySixCat). LOVE your work! Awesome. Just awesome. I’ll be back!

  3. amanda says:

    Lady you for real creep me the fuck out. Thanks have a blessed and wonderful day. Oh yeah i ran your cousin the red squrril over two weeks ago. bump splat splat. My bad

    • pearl pearl says:

      Poor Amanda, you must feel terrible about the red squirrel. About other stuff, too, right? That’s why Pearl is here for you.
      Try not to be weird and just tell Pearl where the trouble is. It doesn’t have to hurt that bad.
      Prescient Pearl

  4. Rick C says:

    My mother once told me that when two squirrels run out in front of a car and the first one makes it but the second appears to run in between the wheels that it was the second squirrel’s “gang initiation.” Is this true? Is the sense of belonging really so important to a squirrel that it is willing to risk its life in such a desperate manner? Do squirrels really exude such human characteristics? How could we possibly let squirrels know that we already love them and that it is not necessary for them to do such dangerous things, or is it just a typical form of adolescent behavior since you seem to believe that squirrels and humans share similar souls?

    Love,
    Rick

    • pearl pearl says:

      Hey Rick!
      Squirrels are funny, adventurous, and playful but, please, we are not stupid.
      My best to your mother who also sounds funny, adventurous and playful.
      Love,
      Pearl

  5. possums says:

    were you really born from squirrels? i love your videos. you do a great job of hiding your tail. 🙂

    • pearl pearl says:

      Thanks for the appreciation. Our wild family can be perplexing. Check out ‘ME Pearl Explained’ for details. The backward human, Georgette, never had a tail. She is more to be pitied than censured for that. ME, Pearl, however, am pure squirrel essence, supported and surrounded by the most beauteous tail in the history of squirreldom. It’s outstanding being ME.
      ME

  6. Rick S. says:

    Good thing you like squirrels… Cause you are fuckin’ nuts…..

  7. Sam says:

    Pearl of wisdom, I’m here to ask about the squirrel who locked eyes with me. A fall baby came up to me as i sat smoking pipe on my porch. When i came back with gronola, she was gone. Will she find my offerings? Will we meet again? Will she be fine this winter?

    • MEpearl MEpearl says:

      You have been blessed, Sam. Locking eyes with a fall baby is a blessing from Gaia. You might consider shelled walnuts as another good offering along with thin strips of foot long flannel to reinforce the nest against the cold. First year babies are often poor nest builders, especially the fellas. This may help. And try to see that non frozen water is available.
      See how locking eyes with a fall baby burst your heart wide open?
      That’s how I captured my human. She responded just like you.
      Thank you for being one of our champions.
      Pearl Loves You~

  8. Anna R says:

    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! YOU ARE MY SPIRIT ANIMAL!!!! YOU SHOULD REALLY GET INSTAGRAM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

  9. William S says:

    I’ve been trying to think of who you remind me of… Some actress…

    Ah! June Lockhart — on drugs. Way to go!

  10. Meg says:

    Greetings Pearl! I love your Pink Mama’s YouTube videos! And I love your Pearl Prophecies, especially the Sixth Insight. You’re very wise!

    You said you don’t have a working store anymore… but could you please post or send me the graphics you used for the shirts or hoodies you used to sell? I would love to see them!

    Thanks Pearl!
    CHCK CHK CHCK!!

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