Welcome Home
Pearl of Wisdom loves you, in her fashion. And you love Pearl, without even knowing it.
You are to be congratulated on finding this site. This is where Pearl of Wisdom explains it all for you. When All Else Fails, ASK PEARL. Write in with your own concerns or simply read Pearl’s advice to others. It all comes to the same As The Tail Ends.
As you find yourselves inclined, nay, compelled, to begin amassing gifts and money for your dear Pearlie Mae, please feel free to click the PayPal buttons generously scattered about this website.
You will know when the time is right. Meanwhile, tell Pearl what is on your heart. Talk to ME. Pearl of Compassion understands all things and will respond. ASK PEARL now!
Pearl of Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice. Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Due to overwhelming popular demand, by readers who don’t have a clue what is going on here, I am including a brief temporal autobiography of ME, Pearl de Sagesse de Sabaduria.
I AM A DEAD SQUIRREL WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING and pines to share it with YOU. I lived for 10 years as a non-releasable in So. Cal, and gnawed my way through most of a Merriam-Webster’s English dictionary and around the edges of a LaRousse Spanish/French. Plus, I absorbed vast amounts of information through my 7 senses, tuned beyond anything you can yet imagine. And the rest I make up.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the very model of a modern psychic squirrel.
Croaking only increased my power and lovability factor.
You can ASK PEARL anything. Confide in ME, Gentle Reader; unburden your soul. Pearl wants to hear from you, NOW.
BTW~
The big pink human who was my earthly caregiver and is now my channeler is, to put it kindly, a bit of an albatross. I listen to Seth and Abraham complaining but HA! their challenge is nothing compared to ….well, don’t get ME started. Just write to ME. Every category gives you the opportunity. Pick your favorite, or visit them all, and let’s get to know each other.
Dear Pearl,
You are such fun! But- I just read your Herstory section and can’t help but notice that you are not very nice to your Pink Mama/Channeler. I’ll bet that underneath it all you really love her, right?
Kathryn Carpathian
Kathryn,
Hmmm. Dunno. I never think about it. I do know that she loves ME and that’s what matters to both of us.
Pearl of Simplicity
Dear Pearl,
Aren’t you tempted to haunt people?
Pete
Dear Peter,
What do you think I’m doing?
Pearl, Poltergeist of the Internet
Dear Pearl,
I have this stabbing pain in the lower right side of my abdomen. The doctors can’t find anything. I’ve gone the Peru shaman route but it still hurts. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Earlie Harris
Dear Earlie,
Cherries. Trust ME on this. Lots and lots of cherries.
Pearl, Doctor Practitioner Extraordinaire
Pearl of Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly terribly wrong as a result of taking her advice. Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Why do some squirrels around me have almost no fur on their tails?
Because they’re rats.
Thank you for writing in and have a nice day.
Do you miss your nuts?
Why would I miss my nuts?
Explain yourself, Gentle Reader.
Or visit the Second Insight on The Pearl Prophecies.
Bless you and have a nice day.
Pearl of Oh, Just Everything
Dear Pearl,
Since you are dead, could you give my long dead cat a hug or is there too much beef between cats and squirrels?
Sincerely,
Buffy
Buff~
To hug, the Pearl must be inspired.
But your question is like you meeting someone from Michigan and expecting them to know your cousin because she lives in Michigan, too; only a million zillion katrillion infinitillion extra astronomical gillion zillion times bigger.
Yes, I could probably find her, I’m Pearl. But it be would labor intensive and I have to ask myself, “Is a cat worth it?” And the answer is “No”.
But do keep writing in, we’re bound to find something for you.
Pearl of Priorities
Is there a God?
Sure.
Oh, wise Pearly one,
Will I ever understand?
Hello Eustace Cunningham,
You will come to understand that you do not have to understand, and what a relief and cause for celebration that will be.
Perhaps today.
Good News Pearl
Dear Pearl
Will I get a proposal this year?
Love
Lana
Yes, Lana~
I propose that you make a non tax deductible donation to ME Pearl.
Love
Pearl
actually I expected something a bit more romantic mrs squirrel.
The opposume videos are excellent and informative. When are the squirrel videos coming out for our education?
Hello Bethany,
Here’s the thing; It’s rare to run across an opossum who is a diva. It’s even more rare to run across a squirrel who is not. So these things take time. But here’s an inside scoop for you, my partner Sam, The Teeth, is working on a new version of the old standard “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down my pants.” It’s got a ways to go before achieving the ME Pearl Production’s seal of approval. But stay tuned~~~
Dear Pearl,
How does one become ordained as your priest or priestess? I am seeking a new spiritual direction in life and this one looks as good as any. If necessary I could learn to speak squirrel.
Yours in anticipation,
Elizabeth
Elizabeth~
Right off, I like your attitude.
Check this out, Elizabeth, and get back to ME.
Let’s see if you’ve got the right stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB3iqKnh2-Y
Pearl,
It must be very strange for you to see one of us behaving like you, but at least this woman appears to be approaching the material with respect. Too often one sees impressions based on tired stereotypes, failing to entertain but succeeding at offensiveness.
I’ve got the wide-eyed paranoia down pat already, so I think I can make this happen, possibly with a little extra caffeine intake for that authentic twitchiness. I will study the neighborhood squirrels for more inspiration.
Off to practice my nibbling,
Elizabeth
I Don’t understand. what is your purpose?
Hey Tyler~
My purpose is to give advice and make a buck. I’m a simple squirrel HAhaHAha ho ho heeheehee hic hic, no, really. Do not confuse ME with the witch in the videos whose purpose is more sentimental. She’s got some empathy with all living creatures pig swill going on. But don’t worry. You won’t get any of that nonsense from ME Pearl. Just straight from the shoulder spot on advice. So open your heart to ME.
Pearl of Compassion (No, really. Seriously, I am )
Pearl: I’ve always wondered if a stitch in time really does saves nine.
Your devoted fan,
David
Hello David,
Your question perplexes the Pearl. What is REALLY on your mind? We’re not here to shilly shally around. Speak up, man!
Your Friend,
Pearl
Dear Pearl, my 16 year old son has been hunting, skinning and eating squirrel since he was 10 years old. Although I say ‘live and let live’ his dad from Texas encourages the sport. What can I say to make him think twice about his actions and the karma involved. The cruelty is breaking my heart!
When I suggest eatting vegan, he says ‘at least animals have a running chance that plants don’t have!’
I divorced my cruel ex but this is my flesh and blood son! Please advise.
Bethany~
You don’t have to say anything.
I’m on it!
Pearl des Tenebres
P.S. Bethany~
Lest you find my response insufficient, I’ve returned to elaborate. I am advising you to take the positive action of doing nothing.
Do not engage in any part of this behavior. No conversing on the subject whatsoever. Best to not even think about it. Release it. Shake out the feelings. Let it go. Cease all resistance. Cease all participation. You cannot change your son. Let it go and focus on everything you love about your boy.
The behavior you describe is deplorable with tragic consequences and I am in a unique position to understand and take action. Believe ME when I say I’m on it.
So, Bethany,
Let go and let ME.
Pearl des Tenebres
Thank you for your pearls of wisdom. The Universe is infinite with possibilities. I will take you advice and let go of trying to change ‘the hunter’ and see a loving peacemaker inside of him.
With great gratitude, knowing you are on top of the situation,
Bethany
Dear Pearl,
I want to bake muffins next week, but can’t decide what kind to make. Poppyseed is good… but then, so is banana nut. What is your favorite kind of muffin?
Dear Sarah,
Bake ‘em all! More is more. Celebrate excess.
Pearl of Plenty
Pearl,
How long will it take me to lose 100 lbs? What are your best weight loss tips?
Dear Rachel,
That depends. What are you?
Pearl of Probable and Improbable Abilities
Dear Pearl,
Should I keep this mustache or shave it off?
You sure are one wierd/crazy individual to create a website like this. I mean really, are you seriously talking to a dead squirrel and asking it for advice!?…. Just when I thought the world couldn’t get any stranger, you prove me wrong.
Thanks, man
But just so you’re clear, I AM the dead squirrel.
Pearl the dead squirrel
Pearl,
How do I get the squirrels to stop eating the vegetables in my parents’ garden? My dad shots at them with a BB gun, which seems to have kicked-off some sort of war in the backyard. Now the squirrels are tossing half-eaten nuts at him from the higher branches of a pecan tree. Your advice would be most welcome!
Plant more vegetables, Matt. And ditch dad’s BB gun. There is a squirrel liberation army out there. Il faut prennez soin.
Dear Pearl,
I really need to get on the high track to having a career! I want to be a police officer but I have some fitness goals that I have reach first. What is your best advice on how to achieve those goals?
Hey Bobbi,
Pearl of Paranoia would LOVE to have a friend on the police force. How far off the fitness goals are you? Truth! You have my full support. Send ME specifics.
Pearl, friend of the police, really, always have been, really
Despite what David seems to think I like you. You make me feel more comfortable with my oddities.
Also, I think my cat has a crush on you. I told him it was against nature but he’s very stubborn.
Thanks, Steph~
David likes ME, too. We have an understanding.
So your cat has a crush on ME. I can understand that. Very little is actually against nature. You can find a precedent for just about anything.
Even so, your cat shouldn’t get his hopes up. I’m in a pretty comfortable relationship with an Eastern Grey.
Pearl of the Positive Vibes toward All
Dear Pearl,
I dreamed last night that everyone else in the class was naked, and I was the only one wearing clothes. What the heck could that mean?
You were in the wrong class……………again.
Several years ago a squirrel died under my porch and I had intended to use its tiny skull to make an altar piece. Alas, I never followed through and I feel as though the poor little guy was cheated of a chance at ritual brilliance. How can I honor his memory, while at the same time not actually killing a squirrel. (This one had been hurt on a power line.)
Most humbly,
Aki
Hello dear Pearl,
i am an orphan and i don’t know on which day i am born. They did tell me that i was approximately 15-16 years old. Could you tell me when i was born, so i could celebrate my brithday ?
Thank you so much in advance.
Aujourd’hui,Mathias, vous étiez né aujourd’hui, le 13 août 1900 et que vous voulez. Célébrer aujourd’hui. Célébrer souvent. Mangent du gâteau et demandez beaucoup des cadeaux. Vous êtes, après tout, le Duc.
Pearl, Conseiller à l’Aristocratie
Dear wise Pearl, how did you die? and how in the world did you find that human? I find it hard believe that you were really a squirrel.
very confused,
Sabrina
Dear Confused Sabrina,
Not only was I really a squirrel but I am NOW more squirrel than ever.
It was my sainted mother who found that human. I’m as baffled as you as to why. Ommmm Ommmm.
I died when my body became too weak and tired to contain my expanding radiance. I was 10 years old. That’s a respectable time span for an earthbound squirrel body.
A new video dedicated to explaining ME is currently in production and soon to be released on the MEpearlA channel on Youtube.
Subscribe now. Subscribe often.
Dear Pearl, I was seeking your advice in life as I am on my path to redemption from a terribly sinful deed. Earlier this year, in the midst of my severe addiction to alcohol and cocaine, I was driving through a northern Ontario town when I came across a pet cemetery, looking for directions. The cemetery worker was not present, and in a drunken stupor, I wandered in through the gates. I was walking through the rows of small graves that marked the locations of fallen critters. Eventually, I came across a much larger gravestone, nearly double the size of an average human grave. It was the resting place of a family of squirrels that had died over time, who were owned by the local veterinarian. In my absence of sobriety, I defaced the grave in multiple ways including urinating on it and marking it with black spray paint I had acquired to fix a spot on my car. Pearl, I know what I did was very wrong, but what can I possibly do to gain redemption from God and his furry critter friends? Any help is greatly appreciated.
Not to worry, Hopeless Wanderer~
First, nobody owns a squirrel, living or dead. Next, God doesn’t get that exercised over where you put your pee. And lastly, absolution is at hand, your hand; the one with the finger that pushes the Pay Pearl button.
Be of good cheer. Eat a plate of spaghetti.
P.
How do I become One?
You are One. And you and I both know, One What.
Dear Pearl, I am pretty sure I am in love with you. I just thought you should know.
I can understand that. And I am very happy with your name, The Captain and Ten Eels. Isn’t it wonderful to find things that make our heart sing?
Pearl de Joie